13 April, 2007
Some days I think why are we here, why do we have to go through so much just to achieve happiness?
But then I get to thinking if we didn't have hardships, then we wouldn't know
the real definition of true happiness. Just recently I've been going through
some major hardships, not just with me, my family as well. I'm finally coming
to the realization that sitting on my butt and doing nothing only gets me more
depressed and doesn't help the faucet (the faucet effect is the constant flow
of thoughts that you can't turn off or STOP).
By the end of the summer which is my deadline I will have made a huge decision,
whether or not I will be living here and what I will be doing as far as school
and work go. I was talking to my friend yesterday, and after listening to him I
realized that I need a push, I've been sitting on my butt of almost a whole
school year not doing anything but collecting disability and going out with
friends. I need a push to get me started I'm so use to not doing anything,
its not like I have lost determination but for so long I have depended on
people to do things for me.
I also let what people say effect my decisions; for example I had met up with
some old friends of mine that I had went to elementary school with, which I
haven't seen since before my accident. They called me and to let me know they
were outside, and my sister helped me out to the car and there she was.
She quickly moved to the back to allow me to sit in the front. I haven't seen
her since last year, as she and I had struggled as friends ever since my accident.
Anyways, I moved to Keswick, and barely talked to her; she always made sure she
had my phone number whereas I didn't have hers. I remember asking for it and
she would just quickly change the subject. She would call me so many weeks and
then it just stopped for a month then she would call, I call them
"courtesy calls" (you know, the calls to make sure your doing OK and just to
catch up on all the gossip).
She did come to see me once and she brought my drug of choice with her; you
know when someone is really your friend when they bring you the drug you were
on when you were hit by the train. Although I was still doing drugs, I didn't
need her to bring that to me. She was with me when I was hit, and I thought
she would try and help me get clean, but she only made it worse.
After we chilled, she went home and I didn't speak to her for another few
months. Just last year in September, I had moved out of my mom's house and
moved to my aunt's house in Malvern. She made an effort to come and see me.
After moving back to my mom's, she went back to the usual way, so I just cut her
out of my life. I don't need someone who is just going to call me when THEY
feel it's best for THEM!
I'm not a selfish person; I love to give, give, give. I don't need negative things in my life!
So when she was in the car with my old friends, I was shocked, I didn't know
what to do. I was thinking "maybe I should just let them go home and I'll give
them gas money", but something in me was saying "go with them, you don't have to talk to her".
I did say hi just to smooth things over for me, and make me feel comfortable.
As the day progressed, I felt stupid and they made me feel like an idiot
saying things like:
"You're so cracked out" or
"You've smoked yourself stupid"
"We thought you were all better, we thought you could walk, run and jump",
"How could you get hit by a train?"
"How do you think your friends felt, they didn't even know what to do".
After I left them, I felt like crap. They only put me down, I didn't hear
them say anything positive.
Later during that week, I talked to them and they were saying things like
"You shouldn't act distant towards people because they will only act distant
towards you", which is true and I knew my ex-friends was filling their heads
with crap. The reason my friend said that was because she had said something
about that, if I don't want to be friends with someone I don't need to, so
I stop talking to them.
Another opinion that was expressed later on was "If I were you I would walk
normal again and tell all those people SCREW YOU". I can walk it may not be what
most people call "normal" but I'm just happy to be able to walk somewhat;
to be able to walk to the washroom.
I asked him if he was disappointed that I couldn't walk "normal" and he responded
"I'm not disappointed you can't walk, I'm disappointed that you aren't trying".
"Aren't trying", do these people get that I wouldn't be in the position I am
right now if I didn't try. Rehab and whatever didn't get me to where I am today,
I DID. I did not sit on my butt waiting for a miracle to happen. Doctors told me
I would never walk again and I said there is no way that I'm not walking again.
So I tried and tried and here I am. People like this make me think negatively
because, in a way, they are right. You know I can't walk normally so why would
someone want me to work for them people; these people are going to look down
on me or be judgmental.
When people criticize me like this it really makes me wonder why I have even
tried in the first place, if there is still people out there that are just
going to look at my disability. Like they say for every ten steps you take
forwards, you'll be taking fifteen steps back. Why try, when people are just
going to judge and belittle you.
I need a push I need to start making decisions, because then when I meet up
with an old friend I can say "I'm happy with myself" not that I'm not now,
but instead of them asking me what I do and I say nothing, I can proudly say
"I have a steady job" or "I'm going to school".
My true friend says I don't need people like that in my life, I need the
people who will support me no matter if I can walk run or jump. There is
always going to be people who put you down, but what I realize is that you have
to overlook what they say and remember that it's just an opinion, that I'm happy
"You" is all that matters, and in the end you only have yourself. I am a human
being, I have feelings too, and I wish people would stop looking at my disability
and just look at my personality for once.
Nicole Helfer is a columnist for 148.ca, awaiting a friendlier