August 14, 2009
It's been around two years since the last time I wrote. My reasoning for not
writing through this time was simply the fact that I was trying to grow up and
find myself. I realized that writing helps you see how far you've come; you can
recognize growth and I miss that.
I'm really trying to positively change my life in a lot of ways, but I
seemingly get stuck in a cycle again. In the past two years, I have done an
improvement class (several, actually), I've gone back to high school and did a
co-op working in an elementary school, and I now also go to schools across
Ontario to speak about my struggles and my accident. I also work full time at a
real estate company.
There are so many great changes, but why do I find myself right back to being a
zombie, as I'd like to call it. Changes come into my life and before I know it
I'm used to it and it feels just like a chore. It's exhilarating to go to
elementary and high schools and speak in front of groups anywhere between 15 to
300 and more. After I speak, I feel on top of the world, and all I can think
about is how can I make this feeling permanent.
Is that what we do for the rest of our lives? Do we chase the ultimate
satisfaction in our lives? To find the greatest love of all, get married, buy a
house, start a family, with work and more work? It sounds like such a planned
scheme. You know, I grew up thinking marriage was this pure commitment between
two people who love each other "till death do you part", but then I grew up in
a society where marriage was now nothing.
Why is it harder to get divorced when it should be harder to get married? You
should have to go through several tests in order to get married and these tests
don't take just days; it should take a least a year. They say you should be with
someone through all four seasons because, believe it or not, we do change with
the seasons. Relationships are such a struggle, since they add more drama to
Nowadays, a lot of people just want to give up, quit when problems arise or
they run away for a bit ("give you space" they like to call it). I hate that.
I believe talking about problems and issues in a relationship, face to face, is
the best way to confront your problems.
Why do people want to give up so easily? Would they give up in the middle of a
hockey game if they were losing? Why run away from problems? It's
real funny because I use to run away from all the feelings I didn't want to feel,
and I didn't want to go through all that bull. But honestly going through
feelings, experiencing them will definitely make you a stronger person. You're
more aware of yourself and how you feel as an individual.
I want a lot of things, but do I need them as much as I want them? I really
want to become famous. I mean, I got hit by a train for pete's sake. I've been
on "Maury Povich" twice, "Health On the Line" and I speak across Ontario. Where
do I go from here? How do I get myself out there? How does one fully become
I used to be so ashamed of myself, I used to want to be someone else. But now,
now it's all different. I'm so happy with who I am, how far I've come and who
I have become. I'm so comfortable in my own skin.
It's great to have Niki back with a new outlook in life. She's a
columnist on 148.ca as one can tell.