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November 2011
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Faster-than-light discovery
is in the dark
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Frank Cotolo
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In Geneva, some scientists are saying that there is evidence of sub-atomic particles traveling
faster than light. If what they say is true, not only does it mean multi-dimensional possibilities
exist and physics will change its laws but also the end of the eight-hour work day.
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The claim has created a number of skeptics throughout the science community not just because some
were worried about what this could mean to their electric bill. The very concept that there is a
speed faster than light makes Albert Einstein look like he made up all that relativity stuff.
Faster-than-light speed means that in theory it would be possible to send information into
the past.
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That would mean H.G. Wells' idea of a time machine could become a reality, though hardly a common
household item.
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It was a fluke but the Large Hadron Collider probing the Big Bang Theory revealed that measurements
over three years had invisible neutrino particles covering the 730 km trip from Geneva to a
laboratory in Italy as fast as 60 nanoseconds. As we all know, that equals 60 billionths of a
second, notably faster than light.
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"We don't know why these neutrino particles were being send in the first place," said a skeptical
scientist who spoke to us under the condition of anonymity. "Who does this sort of thing with
neutrino particles? It is haphazard and rude."
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Another skeptic, who spoke to us under the condition of acrimony, said "Einstein never trusted
anything having to do with neutrino. In fact, he changed the name of his pet collie when he found
out his wife was calling it Neutrino."
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Einstein's 1905 theory of relativity claimed the speed of light was a "cosmic constant," and
"nothing could go faster." He said that even though some of his colleagues warned him that in the
future some things might go faster. But Einstein was convinced that nothing in the future would be
found to go faster.
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There wasn't just a few neutrinos, either, there were 15,000 neutrino beams moving to an Italian
laboratory near Rome.
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Physicists near Rome gathered in an auditorium after the announcement to discuss if the arrival of
the 15,000 particles would affect tourism, no less the electrical wiring in the Vatican. No one has
dared tell the Pope yet how anything traveling faster than light will affect the gospels.
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The famous Professor Stephen Hawking's voice translation device said, "It is premature to comment
on this. Further experiments and clarifications are needed. Can someone get me a cookie?"
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Einstein's theory has been tested regularly over the past 106 years and no one has even mentioned
the word "neutrino," according to Professor Seth Bendhammer, who spoke to us under the condition
of alimony. "I always thought that was the name of a comic-book superhero. Or some cheesy magician
out of Tuscany. You know, the Magnificent Neutrino?"
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But some scientists say the neutrinos could be slipping in and out of dimensions other than the
four known (length, breadth, depth and time), as predicted by the controversial "string theory"
about how the cosmos works.
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"That, too is ridiculous," said Bendhammer. "Do you know how long and strong a string would have
to be to hold the cosmos together? Cosmos, in itself, is a word that is a proper name. Imagine a
man named Cosmos Neutrino? I be we could find one somewhere on Earth."
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Countless experiments, although they will be counted, are being made to attempt confirming the new
finding. One of them will definitely include using a stopwatch.
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Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles.
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