How do you let someone go when you've waited years to finally be able to look in their eyes again? How do you tell someone goodbye when you really want to be with them?

How do you forget and move on with your life when you never really moved on at all? How do you tell someone that they mean the world to you when they run away from you?

I'm stuck in a position where I waited three years to finally talk to the only person I have ever loved in my life.

Now he is pulling away from me and it's really hurting because this is how our relationship ended the last time. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know if I should keep trying and allowing him to keep stomping on my heart or if I should just let things be the way they are. I can't sleep at night because I'm constantly looking at my phone wondering if he's going to call me or if he called. I wake up every hour with him on my mind.

In the beginning hearing his voice before I went to bed put me at ease. Now when I don't hear from him from days at a time, I'm nervous, anxious and depressed. I hate being so dependant on a guy period, but when it comes to him I'm weak. I don't know how to accept my feelings when it comes to him because we do have a long past and when I needed him the most three years ago he left me all alone. So trust here is a big factor but I don't know how to trust him again.

I have accepted that he has changed but just how much I question. Every time he doesn't pick up his phone or he doesn't do what he says he's going to do, I jump to the worst possible scenario. Which is bad because I'm not giving him a chance right?

I talk to a lot of people that are really close to me and have known me for a while. They all have really good advice and they really try to make me see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's really hard to follow people's advice when all I really want to do is make this right and be in his arms. I tell people about what is going on and they don't say any of the same things, so it gets really hard to figure out what to do.

We started talking to each other in the beginning of May and it's the beginning of September. Whatever we are, it's like riding on a rollercoaster with so many bumps. I want to be something but I feel he doesn't. In the beginning of talking to him I was very in touch with how I felt and letting him know that what he did really affected me but never made me stop loving him.

When talking to him about this I was always shot down and he would always change the subject when I got on the topic of feelings. After a while I just felt that how I felt really didn't matter to him and we would just talk about the birds and the bees when he called. As time went on he started saying things about how he felt and a few times he even said I love you I don't know if it was to me or not.

At this point I didn't say I loved him to nor did I really say anything about how I felt, only because I was shot down so many times before so I basically I built a hard shell around me. I didn't want to set myself up for being hurt; I didn't want t o pour my heart out to him to only in the end be regretting telling him how I felt.

But really holding in my feelings didn't help me at all. It made me more stressed and depressed then ever.