5 September, 2007
How do you let someone go when you've waited years to finally be able to look
in their eyes again? How do you tell someone goodbye when you really want to
be with them?
How do you forget and move on with your life when you never
really moved on at all? How do you tell someone that they mean the world to
you when they run away from you?
I'm stuck in a position where I waited three years to finally talk to the
only person I have ever loved in my life.
Now he is pulling away from me and
it's really hurting because this is how our relationship ended the last
time. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know if I should keep
trying and allowing him to keep stomping on my heart or if I should just
let things be the way they are. I can't sleep at night because I'm
constantly looking at my phone wondering if he's going to call me or
if he called. I wake up every hour with him on my mind.
In the beginning
hearing his voice before I went to bed put me at ease. Now when I don't hear
from him from days at a time, I'm nervous, anxious and depressed. I hate being
so dependant on a guy period, but when it comes to him I'm weak. I don't know
how to accept my feelings when it comes to him because we do have a long past
and when I needed him the most three years ago he left me all alone. So trust
here is a big factor but I don't know how to trust him again.
I have accepted
that he has changed but just how much I question. Every time he doesn't pick up
his phone or he doesn't do what he says he's going to do, I jump to the worst
possible scenario. Which is bad because I'm not giving him a chance right?
I talk to a lot of people that are really close to me and have known me for
a while. They all have really good advice and they really try to make me see
the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's really hard to follow people's
advice when all I really want to do is make this right and be in his arms.
I tell people about what is going on and they don't say any of the same
things, so it gets really hard to figure out what to do.
We started talking to each other in the beginning of May and it's the
beginning of September. Whatever we are, it's like riding on a rollercoaster
with so many bumps. I want to be something but I feel he doesn't.
In the beginning of talking to him I was very in touch with how I felt and
letting him know that what he did really affected me but never made me stop
When talking to him about this I was always shot down and he would
always change the subject when I got on the topic of feelings. After a
while I just felt that how I felt really didn't matter to him and we would
just talk about the birds and the bees when he called. As time went on he
started saying things about how he felt and a few times he even said I
love you I don't know if it was to me or not.
At this point I didn't say
I loved him to nor did I really say anything about how I felt, only because
I was shot down so many times before so I basically I built a hard shell
around me. I didn't want to set myself up for being hurt; I didn't want t
o pour my heart out to him to only in the end be regretting telling him how
But really holding in my feelings didn't help me at all. It made
me more stressed and depressed then ever.
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