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The more time I spent with him, the stronger my feelings got and I strongly felt that his feelings were growing as well.

Looking into his eyes and feeling his arms around me and his lips on mine, were what I wanted for years. Every moment we spent together I wanted to tell him and look into his eyes that I wanted him and that I've wanted him for years, but whenever those moments arise I could never bring myself to say anything; only because when I would go home after chilling with him I would always wonder if he still wants me, if he'll call me, or possibly this whole thing is just a game for him.

What I noticed though was because I live in Keswick and he lives in Thornhill (two opposite ends of a suburban region north of Toronto), we couldn't really see each other that much because he worked and I don't drive. The more time we spent apart the more he became distant; the less he called me, the less we just talked in general. In the beginning, I chased him a lot but chasing him only made me heartbroken because he wouldn't pick up his phone when I called, and wouldn't answer my text messages.

So I stopped and allowed him to chase me a bit seeing if he really wanted this. Well, he didn't chase me, so I went away to my Dad for two weeks. When I called him once from there, he said he was going to call me and never did, so I left it. When I got back I had a dream he went to jail so I called him just to make sure things were okay and when they were, then he started calling again. We would have long conversations on the phone and he wouldn't go a day without letting me know he was thinking of me. We didn't chill that much but I still made an effort to see him.

Now I'm stuck because now things are going back to the way they were in the beginning. Is this my fault because I didn't follow my heart from the start? Everyone told me to let him know how I felt, since I can't jump to the conclusion that he already knows how I feel, but every time I tried to explain to him how I felt he would hang up on me or he would have to go.

Did he just not want to hear how I truly felt about him? And how I can't do this whole "feeling empty" thing?

This is really hard for me because in the almost two years we were together, I waited three years to just be able to be with him again and now it's like nothing matters to him. I wish I could have change a lot of things about this whole thing. In the end I was only pushing him away to save myself from being hurt.

But I was hurting all along. I knew that talking to him again would only make me vulnerable and as soon as I saw him all my walls came crashing down.

I don't regret calling him, as I think personally this was good for me to just see him again. But as much as I'm hurting for him to just understand how I truly feel, I guess things happen for a reason.

In the beginning, I did a lot to try to let him really know how I felt, like driving to his house and dropping off letters really explaining to him how I felt. When I think back to it now, I should have really told him how I felt face to face because then he could really understand and really know that I'm for real. I can understand why he is so distant because I live far away from him and he doesn't really know what I do and what goes on. He probably thinks I haven't changed and the funny thing about that is I'm thinking the same thing.

We are trying to protect ourselves from the past when really we are screwing up a good thing. I made mistakes like not calling him as much as I wanted to and not telling him how I truly felt when I had the opportunity. What I would honestly tell people in a similar situation is definitely listen to your heart, tell someone how you truly feel; don't wait and think about it. The more you think about something and analyze the crazier you'll feel. I was jumping to conclusions that were way out of this world but because I didn't allow myself to let things go and to just go with the flow.

Now, I'm in a position where I regret not saying how I feel and letting him slip away when I could have had a better handle on things. I was being selfish to myself, when really the past is the past. We can only help shape the future.