| Obama votes carpet-bomb, decimate Romney camp |
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Frank Cotolo
November 7, 2012 |
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President Barack is still President Obama after a swarm of popular and Electoral College votes put
Republican candidate Mitt Romney in a tailspin and ruined his second bid to become the nation's
leader.
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"It all happened so quickly," said a Republican strategist who today was stripped of his
"strategist" title. "We thought we felt momentum and an energy that was motivating the Republican
base, Independents and even Democrats that were going to vote for Romney but apparently invented
momentums and energies don't materialize."
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"I told them," said former Presidential candidate Rick Santorum. "I said Romney was the worst
Republican to run. I said that. Me. Rick Santorum. The same Rick Santorum that will be running for
President starting today. Santorum showed the reporter an early version of a campaign button for
his 2016 campaign.
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Newt Gingrich, who became a Romney surrogate after calling him a liar and other nasty things when
Romney was competition for the Republican nomination, said, "I said what they told me to say during
the last month but in my heart of hearts, which believe me is deep because even my doctor doesn't
think I have a single heart, I knew Romney was a goner."
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The President made mincemeat out of the so-called battleground states, winning all except North
Carolina, which is drafting a resolution to succeed from the Union.
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The many predictors of a Romney landslide refuse to take lie-detector tests to admit they helped
create the "alternative reality" that was supposed to fuel people's support for Romney.
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Dick Morris, who called everything wrong, was unavailable for comment when the President reached
the magic number of Electoral College votes. An anonymous source swears that Morris was last seen
in a Pigly Wigly store making out with a life-sized photo of Bill Clinton.
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Ron Paul, former candidate, never endorsed Romney. Strategists think that he had an underground lair
where all of his supporters met the day before the election to disguise themselves in preparation
of voting for Obama, just to spite Romney.
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Chuck Norris' "thousand days of darkness," predicted to start if Obama was re-elected have not been
given an official starting date. Some Norris friends feel it begins today while other say it will
begin with a meteor storm the day of Obama's second inauguration.
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"It turns out the polls, when aggregated mathematically, as pollster Nate Silver presented, were
correct," said an Obama spokesperson. "We believed in math all along but the Republicans went with
alchemy instead."
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Rush Limbaugh, conservative talk-show host on radio, said that the American people voted for
"Santa Clause," the President that killed the spirit of earning success by working hard for it.
Sources close to Limbaugh fear he will implode if he continues to rant about the Republicans' loss.
But Rush tells friends off the record that he is happy Obama won.
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"If I didn't have a target like Obama, my ratings would tank," he said. "I need my enemy or I don't
have a career."
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A source at Fox News said that Sean Hannity actually believed the althernative reality and when the
President was declared the winner, Hannity stained his pants and wept for hours before Rush called
him to tell him that the Obama win was a good thing.
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That concludes our 2012 coverage of America's Presidential election. Thank you for reading the
reports that no other established website had the audacity to publish.
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Frank Cotolo can be found
hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles.
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