September 2009

 

Tylenol kills pain, may hurt liver, is harmless to oxen

 

 

 

Page 2

 

Frank Cotolo

 

...continued from page one

 

Dr. Paul "Bennies" Walker of the University of Climbing High and Falling Far, lead author of the study, said, "This Tylenol thing is nothing new. The liver is an important organ. That, also, is nothing new. The liver is a strong organ. That is nothing new. Tylenol is not strong enough to destroy a liver. That is debatable. Debates do not prove anything. That is nothing new. Debates about drugs and studies about drugs cost money because none of us researchers like to work for nothing. That is nothing new. So, we are left with a few questions about the liver, the drug, the dosage, debates, researchers and the meaning of religion in the modern world."

 

During the study, 145 healthy volunteers at two U.S. medical centers received either a placebo, Extra Strength Tylenol or prescription painkillers that could be taken with a glass of root beer.

 

Patients took the medication or placebo every six hours for 14 days and were told not to dance the mambo during the study. Aminotransferase, a liver enzyme with a name that shows up in spelling bees and is found at elevated levels of liver dysfunction, can indicate possible liver damage, was measured at regular intervals in all patients.

 

Out of 106 patients, 41, or 39 percent, taking Tylenol's main ingredient alone or with another drug, experienced an increase in liver enzymes and an urge to clock Barry Manilow in the jaw, scientists said. Twenty-seven patients, or 25 percent, had enzyme levels exceeding five times normal, when divided by 34 and multiplied by 3 and eight patients, or 8 percent, had eight times the normal amount of enzyme and excessive twitching of the right butt cheek.

 

Three times the normal level of aminotransferase is considered the threshold at which doctors become concerned about possible liver damage and a leaning towards becoming an expatriate.

 

Of the 39 patients on a placebo, one had enzymes that exceeded twice the normal level and began to grow facial hair like Fu Manchu.

 

Enzyme levels and the need to write box scores while watching Major League Baseball games continued to increase in patients for up to six days after they stopped taking acetaminophen. It took as long as 11 days for their enzymes to return to normal levels, researchers said, though they whispered the announcement into empty Dixie Cups.

 

A company spokesperson couldn't be reached for comment because, said another spokesperson who was reached for comment but was not a spokesperson allowed to make a public comment, the comment-oriented spokesperson was currently trying to refold a map of Kentucky.