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March 2010

 

The unheralded heroes of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics

 

 

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...continued from page one

 

Meanwhile, another Biathlon competitor, Stans Von Stuppled, was heading for a medal-scoring finish when he coughed while firing his rifle and shot Desmond O'Franahugh from the Irish team and was allowed to place in the standings despite having four flasks of whiskey found stuffed in his uniform. Desmond finished his run bleeding but Von Stuppled was disqualified.

 

Snowboarding on Feb. 15 saw Wheaton Lunge, a cocky 16-year-old from Upton, G.B., complete one of the more difficult self-created moves successfully, though he did not even place in the standings. Lunge performed a "double quad slide bending turn-around twist-o-matic flip" with the ease of a moth flapping wings. However, a judge disqualified the move on the basis that it was "ridiculous".

 

The judge, who remains anonymous, said (in disguise), "No slide-bending turn-around move can include a twist-o-matic flip and be taken seriously. Slide bending with a flip- flap twist or a screwball halt or a dip drop or a kickstand tumble are all acceptable. But we have to draw the line with twist-o-matic movies".

 

There were other judges-opinions-related incidents.

 
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In the Nordic Combined, two teams delivered sterling performances but were dismissed by judges for not being as well mixed as is necessary to be considered "combined".

 

In the Ice Hockey series, the Italian team was deigned "unfit for competition" when members refused to wear athletic supporters as part of their uniform.

 

In the women's bobsleigh events, the team from Sweden was terrible but even the judges admitted the members were so beautiful the night before at an ad-hoc party that no one timed their runs.

 

In figure skating, two judges held up point cards that read "9" only to find out later that they held up the "6" cards upside down.

 

And there were other great performances that may never make the history books.

 

In women's curling there were so many events that the team from the Republic of Cordolina (ROC) forgot their schedule and, though they played brilliantly, defeated four teams they were not meant to play in the opening rounds. Also, during one match, the ROC gals became disoriented due to a mix up in their medications (these were allowed by Olympic laws because the gals were under doctor's supervision for terminal illnesses) and still won by many points.

 

Finally, in Figure Skating, the one-time Australasian champion Cicero Bonafacto and his sister Cicerino managed to skate magnificently but were not given credit for the results of their performance. It looked, many thought, rather ordinary when they slid around to the sound of music by Robert Avalon and when they were done the crowd applauded. However, the Bonafactoes were pointing to the ice after their performance but no one looked until after the team was scored. As it turned out, the duo's dancing routine resulted in writing the complete works of Italian poet Dante Gabriel Rossetti on the rink ice with their skates.