Column Chronicles: Talking the shape of Earth

Talking the shape of Earth

Frank Cotolo
April 2, 2015

Not so long ago I was hired by an organization I did not know existed - The Flat Earth Society. Knowing of my popular public talks to members of organizations around the globe - I mean across the globe - they asked me to speak at a dinner they held to attract new members. Here is the text of that speech:

Good evening and what a wonderful evening it is tonight. Did you see the moon just laying there in the night sky like a plate on your table? Romantic, right?

Welcome to the Flat Earth Society's membership drive. The society wants you all to join by reassessing your views on this planet. The society wants you to leave here dispising the outrageous concept of Earth being a oblate spheroid. I heard some chuckles when I said oblate spheroid. That's good, because there are people who want you to believe that oblate spheroid objects imitate the shape of our planet. Those people are not welcome here.

Daniel Shelton brought back the society in naught four after a long hiatus where people were convinced the Earth was oblate spheroid. I heard more giggles. That is good. He knew that we are all tired of the lies about the shape of this planet and all other planets. The society offers a league of common thoughts about the truth, which is that humanity lives on a disc with a one hundred and fifty foot high wall at the outer edge.

[PAUSE, TWO BEATS]

Now doesn't that make more sense than anything you have ever heard?

A misnomer about the society is that it is filled with nut bags, you know, whack-a-doodles, ding bats and loons. Ask yourself this: "Am I - insert your name - a nut bag, whack-a-doodle, ding bat or loon?" You answered no, right? Of course, you are sane and sound. You know one and one are two, two and two are four and though it may stop there when it comes to addition, you know that tea doesn't make itself, you need a tea bag. So don't let what others think about you cloud your need for the truth.

Ridding the population of this flat planet of the round-Earth idea is not going to be easy. The society needs promoters, such as yourself, people who can chant "Earth is not a globe" whenever possible; people who will have voice messages that say, "Hello, this is - insert your name - and I am not available, probably because I am out somewhere on this great flat planet..." etcetera. We need people who can march against breast enlargement so that we can use the human chest as a symbol of the very nature of flat; we need people who love pancakes and crepes; we need people who are broke, yes, flat broke; we need people who drive their cars on tires free of air; we need people who sing off key.

You are those people, the ones who will shout at those who try to make us believe we are not falling into oblivion because of gravity but because the planet is balanced, straight, flat and this is why we can all stand tall. So be one of us or at least one of them because I am not a member, I am just here to tell you that you should be a member because they need members.

Thank you and goodnight.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.