Column Chronicles: Studies in conflict

Studies in conflict

Frank Cotolo
June 25, 2015

A new study has just been released that proves old studies have all been incorrect. This amazing study became very controversial because there were powers-that-be trying to stop it from going public, since its very results would make all other studies worthless and worse, make all the topics of other studies moot, at best.

Dr. Moe Ron of the Study Institute for Better Studies (SIBS) said, "So many people have based their lives around other studies and believe that those studies have been helpful in their lives. So, organizations filled with those people feared that the release of a study that proved all other studies were incorrect would cause chaos."

There was not the chaos that most imagined might transpire, though, because a lot of people kept their faith in old studies even when the new study proved those old studies wrong.

"Really? All of them?" said Stu Pitt, a researcher that has been involved in a hundred studies that proved things before the new study was released disproving those things. "We believe that the studies done in the past have solid results, the kind that prove the things that they studied and although the new study may be correct about some old studies, we refuse to accept that all old studies be included in the results of this new study."

The SIBS did not set out to develop a study that disproved all the studies that came before it. The new study began as a simple research project having something to do with ballpoint pens and their propensity to be chewed by those who used them.

"Somewhere during the research of the new study," said Dr. Ron, "we began to notice that certain elements were pointing to old studies with results that may have been miscalculated one way or another. That's when our new study took on a life of its own and began to display qualities we did not expect."

As the new study ensued, many of the researchers involved in it said they could not believe what was happening at first. One of them was a man names Hu Donit, a veteran of old studies. "I felt like a fool because I was responsible for working on many old studies," Hu said. "I never expected my entire life's work to be proved useless. I hope none of the benefactors of those old studies want me to give them my salary back."

It's uncertain at the moment if all of the old studies will be dismissed eventually, as their lack of worth grows now that so many people will be able to plainly see they are wrong because of the new study.

Pelting Raines, who was involved in the new study once it began to stray from its original purpose said, "Eventually we all have to accept that everything studied before the new study is just a load of crap. It may take a while but as things begin to fall apart - things once proven through old studies - people will be forced to apply the new study's findings to their lives, else they will have to form tribes and live in the outlands for the rest of their lives."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.