Column Chronicles: More notes from my diary, in no particular order

More notes from my diary, in no particular order

Frank Cotolo
February 5, 2015

Feb. 13 - Today I was impervious to desire. I seem to have been satisfied with everything. Even my brother's outrageous drinking sprees, one of which occurred today and was the reason why my car is wrecked, not to mention why all of the whiskey in my house is gone. Heck, I will get another car and more whiskey. Of course tomorrow is another day and my mood is bound to change. If my brother shows up drunk and I am not so satisfied, may everyone pity what happens next.

April 5 - People don't take kindly to April Fools jokes four days later.

Aug. 23 - It's so hot today that I consider wearing shorts. I hate shorts because when I was a kid all the kids who wore shorts were all the kids I didn't like for various other reasons. Shorts became a symbol of disgust and to this day I cannot wear them for fear that I will despise myself while thinking of all those kids I disliked. Anyway, when you come down to it you don't feel any relief from the heat just because your pants don't go all the way down to your ankles, do you?

May 3 - Three lottery tickets bought today and three winners. I knew I shouldn't have bought them as a birthday present for my now very wealthy friend.

Nov. 14 - Every time my dog, Wiggles, runs around in the backyard he tries to fly. He thinks I don't know that he sprints in a straight line and jumps because he wants to be airborne but I know he wants to fly away to the home of an owner that will feed him bacon every day. I just won't do that. Bacon is bad for dogs and I want Wiggles to be around for a long time. Having a dog that hates you is better than having no dog at all.

April 7 - Why don't they make the whole month April Fools?

July 4 - Fireworks are beautiful but dangerous. I am reminded of this during a celebration in the park tonight when Uncle Tad takes a dare to eat some lighted firecrackers and watches as his teeth are shot into the next zip code.

Dec. 8 - It's my birthday and no one comes to my home or calls on the phone to wish me a happy day. Then I remember, all my real friends are dead.

March 23 - Strangely enough, the little girl that lives next store, who I thought is weird and dangerous, underwent an exorcism last evening. It must have worked because I bought seven boxes of Girl Scout Cookies from her this afternoon.

May 6 - My doctor said to me today that I am not suffering from depression but that he does whenever I show up for my appointment.

June 23 - Today I became convinced that in a past life I was a short-order cook in Selma, Alabama, probably during the Spanish-American War. I don't know if I ever learned to cook the larger orders.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.