Column Chronicles: Responding to a wanton windfall

Responding to a wanton windfall

Frank Cotolo
February 19, 2015

I was notified --

"NOTIFICATION!!! YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS HAS WON A PROMOTION (One Million Euro) We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner of One Million Euro (1,000,000.00) in the 1st category. NOTE: to file for your claim, please contact the fiduciary agent. Remember to quote these numbers in your correspondence with your claims agent."

Now here I am, ready and willing to participate in order to receive my prize, the gift of my lifetime and to make my claim of it and do whatever is necessary in order to collect it, have it, spend some, save some, squander some and dine on some.

So I wrote:

Please contact me immediately. I mean so quickly that you already should have done so without reading this next sentence. I want that money and I need that money. Not only are my parents in need of operations but I want one too, just for the hell of it. Plus, my three former wives, now all married to one another, are demanding greater financial support from me. Imagine a woman who cannot live on $49.87 a month? What is this world coming to?

Also, I want to buy my sister another brother. She is tired of having me as a sibling, with one 'b' or two. The Black Market currently has a sale on siblings with one 'b' and I would like to take advantage of that.

Also, my car remains unarmed. I would like to install some swivel machine guns and maybe one of those rocket launchers that are digitally aimed at drones.

Also, my pet, a 20-year-old dog, needs to be cloned soon. I want to have a dog just like him, obviously, and some professor from Indiana claims he can clone the mutt and get me ten new puppies, all males, four that have teeth and a pair that instinctively fetch bags of gold bullion.

And last but not least, just off the top of my head, I would like to be able to support a harem of women who will render to my beckon call or at the least beckon to my rendering call. I need some kicks, ok? Don't judge me, I am now rich and the rich can only be judged by the very poor, the destitute, as I was before this wanton windfall.

Maybe that isn't all I want to do with the money but I have told you enough personal information about my new spending habits. You will only get more information on a need-to-know basis.

So get back to me soon and let me know the next step in collecting this great amount of money that puts me on Easy Street. By the way, you don't happen to know which avenue crosses Easy Street do you?

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.