Column Chronicles: Addressing authors - Frank Cotolo on 148.ca

Addressing authors

Frank Cotolo
December 8, 2016

Recently, I was hired by The United States Authors Association (USAA) to speak on the tribulations of being an author in the United States. The USAA has a huge membership base from every state in the country except South Dakota and most of the members showed up for my speech, given at Crest Toothpaste Hall in Accident, Maryland. Here is the text of that speech.

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Thank you all for being here. This is an honor and pleasure. For you, I mean, to be here. I have been an author for many years and it is surprising to most people that I have produced the amount of material that bears my name. By the way, that is the only material I can legally take credit for having written.

Anyway, the sheer volume of my volumes is the one thing that makes me prolific. Without all of the books, articles, scripts and pamphlets I have written, I would never be looked at as productive.

Some authors, many of whom have been members of the USAA, have written one piece that they become known for writing and in their whole life people say, hey, aren't you the man or woman who wrote this or that? Not me. It's different with me. No one approaches me about my books.

Some of you may be working on your second or third books and you may be thinking how you can top your first or second book. That is a deadly thought. An author should never try to top his or her most recent book because there is no way to keep up with such a standard. If you write, say, twenty books, each one better than the previous one, how do you expect to maintain the progression of what is considered better?

First off, critics will never agree that your previous book is not as good as your most recent book, especially if they don't like your recent book. In fact, if they do like your recent book even a little more than they liked your previous book they won't admit it. Not in print. Not talking to someone in private. And certainly not to their partner while having sex.

Authors are too picky about certain things and that holds them back from being able to churn out product. I knew a guy who spent months on one paragraph of a book he was writing just so he was sure that he correctly identified the plurals in it. I mean, really, that is the kind of thing copy editors are supposed to do at publishing houses. And that's another thing; what is a publishing house? These companies are always in high rise buildings, not in houses.

Still, we are a special group of people and we should try to produce as much writing as possible in each of our lifetimes. That could mean missing some meals and wearing some unclean clothing but the result will be that our emotions and the true meaning of communication will win over people's hearts and, with a little luck, allow us to have some of their money. Thank you all.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.