Column Chronicles: Addressing the pseudo-depressed

Addressing the pseudo-depressed

Frank Cotolo
January 21, 2016

Recently, though I did not cash the check yet, I was hired to give a motivational speech to a group of citizens of the United States who gathered in an attempt to find other citizens who claim they are severely depressed. The speech was given at a township building in Erie, Pennsylvania.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, even though it is afternoon. I have been asked to come here tonight, even though it is afternoon, to help all of you see that you may only think you are depressed and that being really depressed is a terrible thing.

You may just think you are depressed because you feel bad. But everyone feels bad. I mean in general no one feels so good that they never feel bad and you don't see those people walking around calling it depression, do you? It is normal not to feel like doing things and wanting to sleep a lot and hating your job and wondering what life is all about. Everyone does that kind of stuff.

The problem may be that you feel you shouldn't feel those things and that makes you think you are depressed. No, I am not a doctor but you know even doctors feel down sometimes, especially when they are forced to give away free samples of drugs and they don't get a kickback.

Not all doctors are like that and I am not one that is like that or is not like that because I am not a doctor. Yet, I know that you may not be depressed. I also know that you feeling depressed affects those of us who are doing all right.

Have any of you considered that claiming you are depressed doesn't make anyone who is not claiming to be depressed feel any better about his or her lives? I don't think you have considered that. Claiming to be depressed is selfish. It makes you feel sorry for yourself. You say poor me this and poor me that and you don't think that even a happy person can feel down in the dumps.

By the way, where are these dumps? This is how I can tell that someone isn't really depressed but just claiming to be depressed. People like that are always saying they are down in the dumps, as if other people are up in the dumps. But down or up, where are the dumps? And are the dumps a public or privately owned? How do you get there? Do you drive or take a taxi or what?

Well, aren't you right about now feeling you are all right? And when you leave tonight or this afternoon or this morning or whatever time it may be when you leave, are you not going to raise your arms and flex your muscles and realize you are not depressed? I think so. Because if you go out and you insist that you are still depressed and start to plan how you can react to your fake misery then I think you should just get down on your knees and cry. Sob loudly.

But thank you for listening to me and think about everything I said because you paid to hear it and there are no refunds.

Thank you.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.