Column Chronicles: New meds help to thwart illness

New meds help to thwart illness

Frank Cotolo
February 4, 2016

Modern medicine continually improves upon substances to treat every kind of human infliction. Month after month new pharmaceuticals are put on the market. Recently, I was given a go-ahead to introduce to the public some new medications, along with their particular warnings, about to be released.

Orasnore (micapolicus sinatried)

Used to stop chronic snoring caused by a lack of breathing during sleep.

This is dangerous to use if you have a heart condition or any yellow fluids dripping from your left nostril while leaning on a pillow. Tell your doctor if you have a clogged artery or tuberculosis to find out if it is safe to take this before bed or during naps. Never take Orasnore if you have not been awake more than nine hours operating a Zamboni or any other brand of ice surfacer.

Possible side effects include sneezing, coughing, numbness of the upper tongue, itching of the big toes, tasty saliva and an uncontrollable yearning for Welsh rabbit.

Nicodine (catasilophia mitzigaynor)

Used to control stammering.

Always take this medicine with liquid, orally, and in small doses when possible. Tell your doctor if you still use hand signals when driving or if you think you have a liver disease or if your stools become soapy and your soap feels likes stools.

Possible side effects include singing, watching birds mate, looming boldly over a hot stove, making pancake batter in a rain storm and an unspeakable craving for inhaling an unmarked car.

Pantamar (toodaceptic crandocity)

Taken to relieve pain from muscle spasms.

If your doctor approves of your using Pantamar you must alert him if you are taking medicine for acute kidney inflammation that causes increased urination whenever you are playing Ping Pong.

Possible side effects may include sniffling, discharges from skin pores, dizziness, celibacy, erections bending in the opposite direction, itching, blinking, odd finger movements and the unbearable lightness of being.

Cordona (liptomatus tragicolicus)

Administered for sinus infections developed from tumor-like objects growing out of control out of the nostrils.

Advise your doctor if you have allergic reactions to any deodorant or have a perforated esophagus and are on a low-carb diet.

Possible side effects may include possible bleeding in an elevator, ankle warts, discoloring of the fingernails, sudden spurts of David Mamat dialogue, a propensity for roller skating, a tendency for propensities, side-splitting laughter, humming while gargling, sleeping on a street curb and the terminal sensation of being ripped apart by weasels wearing berets.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.