Column Chronicles: Cities of ill-loyalty

Cities of ill-loyalty

Frank Cotolo
September 15, 2016

After exhastive research, a team of social scientists have come up with a list of American states where husbands cheat on their wives more than in anyof the other states.

Discreet extramarital affairs run rampant in the following locations, according to the study, which only calculated raw numbers but would like to delve deeper into the reasons for such disloyalty.

"If we get more money," said Renault Biasadrew, a member of the research team, "we will create a series of questions and pose those questions to men and women who decide to search and receive what we social scientists call 'extra nookie.'"

Charlotte, N.C. was the top city on the list. A total of 40 percent of the population is married and 10 percent are divorced. The study found 65,000 of these people had or were actively looking for extra-marital relations.

"The only similarity in the men," said Biasdrew, was their baldness. The females all had a lot of hair and agreed they liked bald men, unless the men were under five-foot two."

San Diego, California came in second. There, 44 percent of the population is married and 10 percent divorced.

"A great deal of the men," said Biasadrew, "said they love to play tennis barefoot, while the majority of the women were over fifty years old but barely look thirty. None of the men and women in the study could swim and about thirty percent of the women had never built a raft."

Houston, Texas is third on the list with 41 percent marrieds claiming they cheat, though 24 percent of those admitting to disloyalty did not condone using the word "cheat" and 34 percent of the married women said they have been wearing high heels since the age of seven.

New Orleans, Louisiana is fourth on the list with 31 percent of the population having wed. All of the men and women responding to the survey claimed to love Roller Derby as an interactive sport and around half of them said they were great cooks with the exception of non-spicy oatmeal.

Fifth on the list is Las Vegas, Nevada. The fastest growing city in the U.S. has 43 percent of its population married. A great percentage of the men said they loved their wives but had to have extramarital sex because they wanted to have sex with no love involved. The majority of the married women who had extra-marital sex said that they did not love their husbands and wanted to have sex with someone they could imagine loving or at the very least liking enough to share a deep and dark sexual fantasy involving Playdough.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.