Column Chronicles: Predictions for 2017

Predictions for 2017

Frank Cotolo
December 29, 2016

I'm no psychic and yet sometimes I act like one because sometimes I feel like one because at the end of each year I have images and thoughts about things that are going to happen. Granted, sometimes I am wrong about what I think will happen. All right, most times I am wrong but the intensity of what I feel when I feel the way I feel compels me to share it all. So here is a list of predictions that I have made for 2017. Or maybe later, it's hard to tell.

Cell phones will become so inexpensive that some people will own a dozen of them and AT&TT (which will add a "T" to its name by the beginning of this year) will consider producing disposable cell phones.

Doctors will find a way to cure some chronic problems people have with their stomachs. Some doctors will not want to have their stomachs touch patients with chronic stomach problems and resort to less intimate solutions.

Over the course of four months people on Earth will notice the Moon is shaking. People on other planets will not notice this.

A young man will be born in rural India with two glowing hands. Sick people will flock to see him, thinking the child's glowing hands have healing power. Healthy people will try to charge admission so sick people flock to see him and hope to be healed. People who only become ill occasionally will find the entire idea of a child born with glowing hands boring.

Another man named Steve Jobs will invent a computer that is powered by the Sun. Unfortunately, Steve Jobs will find out that the actual hardware must be exposed too long to sun rays to work because it will melt.

Yet another man named Steve Jobs will claim to have invented a computer that fits in a man's nostril but when the prototype is launched by a sneeze and takes someone's eye out, his investors tell him where he should put the computer in his body.

Two clowns will be shot to death at a circus, making the number of clowns shot and killed at circuses across the world total over a hundred.

The flavor caramel will be banned in Tasmania.

The most popular name for a boy born in the USA will be Steve, followed by the most popular middle name given to a boy, Jobs.

A super telescope will reveal to astronomers that there are planets in other galaxies that are shaped like the head of Wolf Blitzer.

More people will die while taking selfies than will die from cancer.

Spain will hold an election that asks the population if it should find a way to cease its physical connection with Portugal.

Due to a strange miscalculation, the winner of Best Actor at the Oscar ceremonies will be a baker from Big Sur, California.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.