Column Chronicles: The scheme theme - Frank Cotolo on 148.ca

The scheme theme

Frank Cotolo
September 29, 2016

Philosphers, psychologists, psychics and psychos will always bring up the term "In the scheme of things" when they wish to make a point about how something affects everything. I have heard it from priests, proctologists, popes, paupers, politicians and pals from the time I was knee high, which is a time I would rather not write about since the knee-high days of childhood were painful.

(How many times do you have to touch a steaming radiator before you learn it can burn you?)

I have grown to hate when anyone begins or ends a thought with the phrase "In the scheme of things." It's a cop out, a gimmick, a cheesy way of sounding intellectual, as if anyone can truly understand "the scheme of things".

Think for a moment of "things". That is a countless number, consisting of all that we know and don't know about our world as a whole. So, it includes dirt, machines, germs, animals, vegetables, minerals, atoms, chemicals, liquids, heat, cold, diodes, ions, paper, ink, chest pains, organs, viruses, et cetera. Lots of stuff.

A scheme is "an elaborate or systematic plan of action," according to Webster (ever wonder why he knew so many words, like all words?) so the scheme of things would be the elaborate and systematic plan of action for all of those things I mentioned and all of the other things that I did not mention. Lots of plans.

So when I worry about how an audience will respond to a piece I write, according to the phrase, I am acting like an idiot, like a clown, like a merry andrew, because in the scheme of things it doesn't matter if anyone likes it or if I make any money from it or if it becomes the lyrics of some Country Western song that hits the charts when covered by Shania Twain or, speaking of Twains, it doesn't matter that it is not as popular at anything written by Mark Twain or that Mark Twain matters or looks like me or that I gave up smoking years ago or that anyone who means anything to anyone...

Many people interpret the phrase as philosophical and positive but I think it is far more existential and downright nihilistic. But what I think or how I interpret it means nothing in the scheme of things, so by all standards—and standards, by the way, are powerless in the scheme of things - nothing we do matters.

Why, then, am I writing this blog? You see why I don't like the phrase, why I don't trust anyone using it to make a point? Am I supposed to feel good about being a part of the scheme of things no matter what I do because everything I do is worthless or means just a little bit that somehow commingles with things and finds a place in the scheme and somehow results in a positive or negative action that no one ever truly feels or understands?

I suggest we retire the term and anytime anyone uses it we look them straight in the eye, scowl and make a childish raspberry sound with our mouths. There, put that thing in your scheme, dirtbag.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.