Column Chronicles: Changing things will be o-KKK

Changing things will be o-KKK

Frank Cotolo
October 27, 2016

During the past year I was hired by the infamous Ku Klux Klan (KKK) to speak at an "organizational dinner," which was a barbeque on a large lawn where KKK members picnicked. The lawn was strewn with Confederate flags, which people used as tablecloths and I spoke from a podium that was hastefully put together with rusy nails and warped wood. Here is the transcript of my speech.

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Good afternoon. I'm Yardly Spex and I have never been a member of the K K K but that only makes me more objective a speaker. Why do I have to be objective, you ask? Well, let's face it, your organization has a bad reputation out there in the mainstream world. Some of the local leaders of your chapter hired me to give you an idea why the very mention of the K K K makes people cringe and sometimes vomit. Your local leaders feel I can help by suggesting behavior that could change the organization's image.

Ok, ok, don't growl. I won't suggest you stop being your ornery, vicious selves, which you do better than any hate organization in the modern world, I want to help you disguise the behavior.

Thank you, thanks for the applause. I am glad to be here to help, since I am well aware of the importance of white supremacy and your goals to assure it remains supreme. Remember, these are just suggestions. They will not become part of the organization's code of unethical behavior.

First and foremost, K K K members, you need to cease using horses for midnight raids. Various animal care groups have been complaining - not about the howling or the torching of private properties but about the abuse to the equines - by which I mean the horses for those of you unacquainted with the term equine. Your leaders are in secret negotiations with a certain foreign auto company to replace the horses with gas-run vehicles. You will, of course, have to be extra careful with your torches when raiding with auto vehicles.

Next, in your daily conversations that take place without your K K K uniform, you should find ways to lose use of the N-word. I say it like that to give you the alternative that will help you stop saying the N-word when not actively participating in K K K activities. For instance, if you are talking to a non-member you might say, 'I won't raise my children in a neighborhood where an N-word family lives.' Things like that.

The same change can be applied to a certain faith of people who are not Christians. In fact these are the people the K K K believes killed Christ. You can say things like, 'Hollywood is run by J-word people.'

Also, the cross-burning ritual has to be altered. Ok, ok, don't growl. I said altered, not stopped. It has become far too costly to burn the kinds of wood that have been used for over a century now during cross-burnings, so your local leaders have come up with a synthetic cross that can be set aflame but does not corrode and can be used over and over again. Thanks for the applause.

Enjoy your barbeque and while you are eating, read the brochure about all of the changes that has been prepared by your local leaders. Thank you and good health to you all.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.