Column Chronicles
 
Failed comic book super heroes
 
 
Frank Cotolo
March 30, 2017
 
By now we all know that generations of comic book fans have accepted the extraordinary characters of Superman, Batman, Spiderman, The Fantastic Four, Thor, The Hulk and all of the other comic book super heroes that have been translated from their comic book panels to TV, movies and video games.
 
These proven celebrities from the comic book world are among the lucky group that made it. You see, more comic book super heroes have failed than have succeeded and here are some of them.
 
Nooseman - Col. Mort Palsey was hanged for treason even though he did not do the deed. After being pronounced dead, a man confessed to the crime and Palsey mysteriously returned to life with a super power that allowed him to make any rope turned into a noose do anything he wanted.
 
Uglyman - Curtis Blindfold is a famous male model with a huge ego. Then, an alien comes to Earth and curses him so that he remains a gorgeous male model by day but at night he turns into a grotesque creature that must hunt for evil people who he only has to look upon to make them surrender to the authorities.
 
Fastguy - Before The Flash character was created, Fastguy was a man who could move faster than any human after getting a splinter. Unfortunately, Fastguy's speed was limited to 800 miles an hour, a flaw that his creator thought would be a fascinating character point but turned off readers completely.
 
Gallant Gourmet - A short order cook at a greasy spoon, Marcus Fortlog turns into a master cook whose meals can kill villains with one swallow. His origin was never explained as he fought foes with names like Indy Jeshton, Taste Monger and The Spoiler.
 
Stumpman - This character had stumps for legs and arms but the disabilities were no match for villains with normal bodies, no less super powers. Stumpman lost his limbs as the result of swimming in nuclear waste (by accident) but also became strong enough to move around with speed and agility. Though the character was supposed to show that disabilities could be overcome and attract a large audience of unfortunate kids without limbs, it failed to do that. In fact, the first and only issue of Stumpman did not sell one copy.
 
Superette - Myrna Lucianamargoney was a normal high school student when she was stung by a bee and became a gal with super strength who was able to defeat the swarm of evil characters that came to the quiet Midwestern town of Gables, Indiana. In a test comic book, the people of Gables, Indiana strongly resented the fact that a swarm of evil characters would be depicted in the comic book, so they burned all of the test comic copies of Superette #1 in the town circle on Halloween night, along with all books written by Nathaniel Hawthorne, Mark Twain, James Fenimore Cooper and a book of poetry by Carl Sandburg.
 
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.
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