Column Chronicles: Creating the modern farmer

Creating the modern farmer

Frank Cotolo
May 18, 2017

I spoke to a large group of farmers recently. I was hired by the Department of Agriculture to help encourage traditional farmers to accept modern farming techniques. Here is the text of that speech.

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Thank you all for planting your derrieres on the seats of this auditorium to listen to me talk. Did you hear what I just did there? Instead of using the vernacular for your body's bottom, I used the French word. It's something that breaks tradition in the farming community, since farmers are known for their clean crops and dirty mouths.

Breaking tradition is what all of you farmers need to do to survive the new world of farming because, well, the old way of doing things is as dead as all of your farming businesses will be in no time if you don't learn to farm in the new millennium.

First off, the modern farm is indoors. That doesn't mean you have to move your living room furniture around, boys, it means housing the plants in their own structures, along with a restroom if you are wise. These structures will be temperature-controlled, so you don't have to worry about droughts, sandstorms, snow, rain, sleet or dark of night.

You guys are good with your hands, right? Well start building greenhouses. That's what they're called, even if you paint them yellow or red and chartreuse but really, who the hell would paint a greenhouse chartreuse?

Then, you start to grow your crops indoors, using today's technology instead of tractors and other large machines that have been the cause of many deaths in your families. You will control the environment with apps, which is short for application. From then on, data will run your farm. You will be able to grow your crop while drinking beer, chewing tobacco and scratching your private parts without the danger of steering the tractor into a row of precious stalks of corn.

Learning the new technology won't be easy for some of you, since most of your educations ended between grades five and six, but once you become used to cashing checks given to you for your crops you will become good at it.

All of that land you once used to grow food can be sold at huge profits for you and your Last Will and Testament. Invest it; just don't invest in work clothing like boots and dungarees and gloves because you won't need that crap to work any longer. The modern farmer dresses casually in Chinos and loafers and designer T-shirts.

What is best is that you will be serving humanity by producing fine foods that enrich mankind. Well, who am I kidding? What's best is you will be rolling in dough, retiring millionaires. Thank you and goodnight.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.