Column Chronicles: Meds for specific ailments pending approval

Meds for specific ailments pending approval

Frank Cotolo
November 16, 2017

The pharmaceutical industry is abuzz with new medicines that may help people with debilitating conditions live more normal lives. We obtained a list of some new meds that may soon by approved for public consumption.

Tosminot (sophic acid retaliant)

Targets sore foot muscles

Chronic foot pain usually affects walking at any speed and is especially tough on soccer players. This medicine strengthens the toes for the time being and over a specific amount of time will make them strong enough to support the entire foot so that although the foot muscles stay sore, the person can walk on their toes with perfect balance.

Possible side effects include foot odor that tends to smell like gunpowder, itchy nostrils, the sensation of twisting again like you may have done last summer, and the inability to blink for a minute or so.

Krivol (homicalus synthetic riaboloid)

Reduces chronic eye itch

People who have unexplainable itches in either eye should take this medicine daily in small doses to stop them from rubbing their pupils too much. If an eyeball is already infected, the medicine will clear the infection and improve the ability to focus on road signs farther than three city blocks.

Possible side effects could provoke bad pronunciation of most languages, a tendency to fear noodles in soup, a sudden change in Astrological signs, a craving to peek into neighbors' bedroom windows and a swelling of the earlobes.

Destonomine (orthabiotic alum)

Combats skin discoloration

When any portion of a person's skin suddenly changes from the normal color of the flesh to a color that does not appear on any other part of the body, the discoloration may become infected or develop the ability to deform the nearest limb. With this medicine, a person stricken with this sudden and mysterious condition can reduce the possibilities that the discolored area will incite a worsened and more complex health hazard.

Possible side effects are sneezing, coughing, sneezing that sounds like coughing, shaking, rattling or rolling, a craving for chocolate toppings, coughing from eating foods with chocolate toppings, an increase in shoe size, poor penmanship, an inability to recognize pits in fruits, nausea, dizziness, pointing at shiny objects, intense licking of lips (not always your own), dehydration, a need to play golf, sleepiness, insomnia, loss of hearing, loss of hair, loss of ambition and a long-lasting bad taste that is reminiscent of a disturbing childhood memory.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.