Column Chronicles
 
Medications under scrutiny
 
 
Frank Cotolo
September 6, 2018
 
I have strong connections in the pharmaceutical industry so I am able to alert my readers about drugs currently awaiting approval from U.S. authorities. Don't get your hopes up if you think any of the following possible meds can help the condition they were made to handle because it takes a while for them to be tested to the point when they are deemed safe. Possible side effects noted in this list could also change - for the better or for the worse.
 
Dilectasum (biocrodomason)
 
Nosebleeds are caused by many physical conditions but whichever those may be, this medicine stops chronic bleeds no matter the temperature changes.
 
Possible side effects include loss of breath, hangnails, excessive earwax accumulation, eyebrow discoloration, stiff fingers, stiff toes and an inability to come out of a knee bend.
 
Do not take Dilectasum if you enjoy dancing in the rain, cramp while dribbling a basketball or do poor at advanced algebra.
 
Draptin (monosaltilonus quantalum)
 
Draptin was developed for people with skin that burns quickly when exposed to medium temperatures and exposure to the sun. Many volunteers came close to death assisting in the testing stages. The drug works to freeze skin pigments so they will burn normally in proportion to the temperature.
 
Side effects may include rapid eye blinking, itching of the palms, dulled hearing and the sensation that your tongue is licking a palmetto.
 
Do not take Draptin if you have a tendency to be nauseated on a Ferris Wheel, hate surf music or refuse to double flush after emptying a bowl after defecation.
 
Karevenis (rulamento amphetamine)
 
Young people with soft bones can find themselves in strenuous positions that can cause bones to reshape while bending. This medicine hardens all bones so they crack and break, not just bend.
 
Side effects include sniffling, coughing, dry mouth, wrinkled lips, shaking, quivering, shivering, hair loss, loosening of molars, moles on lower extremities, dizziness, fear of fruits coming to life, urges to vomit on sailboats, the inability to play a five-string banjo if you already know how to play a four-string banjo, shouting, losing a toothbrush, a craving for Canadian-based rock star's songs, red eye, pink eye, purple eye and blood-vessel swelling when playing volleyball.
 
Do not take Karevenis if your sister is married, your brother is the sheriff of a small town in Arkansas, you are an only child, you enjoy eating burned white toast, you own rodent pets or if you drive an automobile containing more than fifteen passengers that are especially good dancing the Cha-Cha.
 
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.
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