Column Chronicles: Speaking to prospective politicians

Speaking to prospective politicians

Frank Cotolo
November 8, 2018

I am still in great demand by organizations, associations and small clubs that meet in damp garages to give inspiring talks, exciting their members, who seem to excel in their fields of study after one of my speeches.

Recently, I was invited to speak to a nationwide audience of young political hopefuls at the Institute for Social Politics and Bicycle Maintenance. Here is the text of that speech.

Good evening and a wonderful hello from me to all of you. Can you hear me in the back row? Well, it doesn't matter. The people in the front rows can hear me and I know they promise to fill in the gaps that the people in the back row will have due to the poor sound system.

It is important, as I bring up sound systems, that if you decide to run for office you should be getting your message out clearly when speaking to a live crowd. It's different than getting your message across in writing because if you use the right catch words when writing your message you can put down almost anything to get people to vote for you. In fact, in writing you can change the message to appeal to certain audiences so that you get the support from people that wouldn't like the message you gave to another group.

Back to sound systems. When addressing prospective voters in a live appearance you have to be loud, even with a good sound system. In most cases if not all cases, live political rallies are fueled by volume, not content. Sure, you have to say good things but in the great classes you get here at the institute you will learn those good things but let me tell you if you don't say good things loud you won't rattle the eardrums and that is important because sound can make nerves rumble and that is really what gets people to support you.

But all the people in the world supporting you won't get you dribble in a spoon if they don't give you money. With money you can move around and have a chauffer and pretty good hotel rooms, the kind that charge way too much for water in a room refrigerator, you know? Money is the key to all elections and you have to get it from the rich and the poor. It's great to have one or two guys that give you a couple hundred thousand but you also have to have a couple hundred thousand that give you a sawbuck.

After all, you need a lot of votes to win any election. In fact, in all elections except Presidential elections, you need the most votes to win an election. Even if you win by only one vote, that is a majority. One vote, by the way, doesn't equal one point. Wait, I may be wrong on that, you have to take the course on points and percentages, taught by Professor Renaldo Squid.

So I hope you realize the essentials of running for office now and thank you for letting me address all of you or at least the ones who could hear well enough. Don't you guys forget to fill in the others on what they missed. Goodnight and lots of luck.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.