Column Chronicles: Unearthed: celebrities' last words

Unearthed: celebrities' last words

Frank Cotolo
January 3, 2019

It took time, money and bribing but a staff I hired at my own expense has managed to discover the last words of celebrities. Yes, words uttered in the last breaths of many personalities from all fields are now known and now are revealed.

Buffalo Bill Cody, Showman and buffalo killer: "Truth is, I became a vegetarian long before I helped make those bulky beasts near extinct."

Alex Haley, author: "Pastor, how's the family?"

Antonio Salleri, classical music composer: "How am I suddenly able to speak English perfectly?"

Howard Hughes, movie mogul: "Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue, Get me a tissue..."

Betsy Ross, seemstress of first American flag: "I still don't like the color arrangement."

Isaac Newton, mathematician: "I cannot die until my son Fig visits me."

Dizzy Gillespie, musician: "I think this next gig will be my longest."

Charles Dickens, author: "I guess it was the worst of times after all."

Sitting Bull, Native American chief: "F--k Custer for eternity."

Harry Truman, American president: "So this is where the buck really stops."

Napoleon Bonaparte: "I knew there was something unhealthy about the sediment on the white wine."

Karl Marx, philosopher: "Why couldn't we all die at the same time?"

Rudyard Kipling: "Though I scorn you and berate you, though I seriously hate you, you're no deader a man than I, Gunga Din."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.