Column Chronicles
Introduction speech to national atheists gathering
Frank Cotolo
February 28, 2019
One of my many sideline jobs is public speaking. Recently, I was hired to give a speech to the Atheists Survival Society (ASS), which met in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. In a theater seating over five thousand members of ASS, I took the stage on behalf of the society's administration to welcome everyone and host the proceedings. Here is the text of the opening speech.
Good evening and bless you all for coming... Oops, and just who would do the blessing? [LAUGHS]. I guess it would be the same entity that blesses America [LAUGHS]. And we admire the spirit, so to speak, of the phrase all the same, welcoming each one of you to the largest annual gathering of atheists in this country.
Over three days, the lot of you will talk, eat, sleep and breathe atheism. There will be many speakers introduced, each one with a firm belief that he or she does not believe in a deity in any way, shape or form.
And there's something people who are not atheists should understand. Atheists don't believe in god but that doesn't make an atheist a believer in anything else. It makes an atheist a non-believer in anything that approaches the concept that a higher power is running things from some mysterious station in outer space. Or that guy in the Bible [LAUGHS].
It's not a matter of disrespect, is it? [SHOUTS OF NO, NO] Right, it's the dismissal of personifying a being that controls mankind. No big whoop, right? [SHOUTS AND HAND WAVING]. Yet, people hate atheists, especially those who believe in god, and it is unfair. [SHOUTS AGREEING]
Some talented atheists will be speaking, as I said, and that includes Noblar Bestove, who is the world's tallest atheist, measuring seven-foot-eleven. Being closest to where some people believe is heaven, Mr. Bestove will talk about looking down on people with no beliefs.
Tessie Wockensocket, the world's youngest atheist, just had her sixth birthday. [APPLAUSE] She will talk to the audience about not saying prayers before going to bed and still getting up the next morning feeling great.
Also on the docket is Ricky McDicky, who was a pastor but turned in his white collar and joined the society shortly after. Ricky's story is a strange one because it includes a recorded argument with god about his existence and I guess you know who won that argument. [LAUGHS AND APPLAUSE].
There will also be a beautiful buffet and great desserts, except no angel-food cake, of course. [LAUGHS].
Oh, and one more thing. Our president, Cedric Plimp, will be announcing the dates of the first Atheist Holidays, created by popular demand from our members. So let's get started with our first speaker... [APPLAUSE]
Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address:
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