Column Chronicles: Unimaginably odd letters to editors

Unimaginably odd letters to editors

Frank Cotolo
April 18, 2019

Newspapers have become rare in the digital age. Still, many cities and towns publish limited editions throughout the weeks, even though their circulations are weak and so are the people still buying hard-copy publications for the news. This is apparent by the sheer number of outrageous letters to the editors sent in by readers. Here are some examples:

Dear Editor,

There was a sale on forks at (deleted proper name) department store last week but only in packages of eight, nine and a dozen. No one wanting a single fork could purchase the utensil. I heard some people came from miles around to shop for forks at the store and many of these loyal shoppers were disappointed to have come all that way and not be able to buy single forks.

The manager wouldn't allow a mix-and-match sale from sets of six, seven, eight or nine, either. Shoppers deserve respect and sales of any items should not be restricted to sets of those items. -M.B.F.

Dear Editor,

This country is going to the dogs or even lesser, dirtier animals. Actually, some dogs are very clean, especially if they have owners and don't roam the streets. What are they called? Strays. I wonder where they came up with a name like that?

Dear Editor,

I am outraged and distraught. Why do we elect people to do jobs that benefit a community if the people who win don't do what they said they were going to do? Should there be a law? Sometimes politicians say things that turn into other things all together if they are elected. Meanwhile, the losing candidates have signs that cannot be recycled. We need a law. Can you champion this issue?

Dear Editor,

The death penalty should change to the torture penalty and people sentenced to death should be sentenced to torture until they die.

Dear Editor,

Why doesn't your newspaper (I know you personally don't own the newspaper but I could not find the address of the owner) print more coupons so that people can get more savings at stores? Or, even better, why doesn't your newspapers pay for all of my groceries?

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.