Column Chronicles: My keynote speech to a general meeting of Worldwide Losers Anonymous

My keynote speech to a general meeting of Worldwide Losers Anonymous

Frank Cotolo
December 13, 2019

One of my many sideline jobs is public speaking. Recently, I was hired to give a speech to the Worldwide Losers Anonymous (WLA), which met in Manhattan, Kanse. In an outdoor, ad-hoc auditorium under a tent, I took the stage on behalf of the association's administration to welcome everyone and host the proceedings. Here is the text of my speech.

Hello losers. [Laughs and applause] Thank you for coming to the first meeting of the Worldwide Losers Anonymous. All of you are members based upon the unity felt by all people everywhere who never win a thing. And by thing I mean nothing has ever come your way for nothing. [applause and shouts]

It turns out that this is so very common to mankind. The greater percentage of people walking this planet loses at anything they do, so you are all in good company.

In fact, you may just have qualified, as there is a percentage of people on the planet who do not lose all of the time. [laughs] Yeah, some people actually win something now and then. It's never enough for them to rely on winning but they do get some slim pickings. Luckily for you people, you never get anything, or else you would not be here for the great convention planned by the terrific founders of Worldwide Losers Anonymous.

You may not know this but when this unique club was organizing, it was going to be called an association or a society. But someone stood up and said, hey, no one who would be a part of this group would want to admit it. [laughs] So, it was decided it would be called Worldwide Losers ... Anonymous. [applause, shouts] So no one has to sign in. [laughs, shouts]

Even though no one cares about losers, so it would not matter who knows the names of members, the founders wanted to be kind. You may even say they wanted to hand you all a win. [laughs, shouts]

I confess, however, that I am not a loser. [boos] Okay, calm down everyone, I have a good reason to be here. You see, I have won things and am considered a rather lucky person, but I come from a long line of losers. [applause] So, you see, I have empathy and I understand losers, I have deep connections to those who try and try and try but never get a damned thing to go their way just for the hell of it. [applause, shouts]

The founders of Worldwide Losers Anonymous thought it would be great to have me, a pretty lucky fellow, acknowledge those of you who are losers; those of you who are unlucky sons of guns, back-of-the-pack finishers, bridesmaids and the like. [shouts, applause]

So it is that I welcome you all, every last loser among you, and ask you to give a shout for yourselves, knowing you are being recognized for the terrible cards Lady Luck handed you to play at birth. [mounting shouts] So shout it out for won another and let us all chant: We are losers; we are losers; we are losers [chanting in unison].

Thanks and good night!

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.