Column Chronicles: Obituary of Robert Tension

Obituary of Robert Tension

Frank Cotolo
March 12, 2020

I did not know Robert Tension until I met him. We were introduced to one another when he moved into a house nearby my home, which as also a house. Suddenly, the houses we lived in made us neighbours, which is why the neighbourhood tax collector thought it best I know Robert Tension.

We hit it off immediately, since we were both suspicious of our neighborhood having a tax collector. Robert was in his thirties when we met, though I could not help to complement him for looking a healthy fifty-three, tops.

Robert was a curious sort of fellow. For instance, he always wanted to know this and that about me. People's personal lives interested Robert, which some people found down right rude because Robert would not think twice to ask a person if anyone in their family owned a colonoscopy camera.

We played handball together. I thought we did it for fun and exercise but Robert told me it was mainly to increase the strength of his palms. He was convinced no other part of a person's hands was more important than the palms.

Robert had a wife, who he lost three months after I met him.

"I don't know what I did with her," he said. "I asked her to get the mail from the mailbox and that was the last time I saw her."

Robert was a brilliant man. He worked for the government, though which government was a mystery. Whatever he did, he left his home for the office each weekday at nine and returned each weeknight at eight, sometimes earlier, but always with a bundle of bowties.

Robert had the world's largest collection of bowties, not the snap-on types, either. Robert had real bowties, some dating to the 1800s. He wanted to open a bow tie museum but no one would invest in such a place. In fact, one millionaire punched Robert in the neck just for asking.

We were close, though, and we became so close that he insisted I be in the operating room during his bypass surgery. Heart disease ran in his family and unfortunately it became so unhealthy for him that he could never keep a pet dog alive for longer than a month.

I am sorry if you did not know Robert Tension as I knew him and today I tell you that you should be sorry, too, because once we bury him there is no way you can get to know him ever.

Thank you.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.