Column Chronicles: The greatest bank robber in history, part four

The greatest bank robber in history, part four

Frank Cotolo
June 25, 2020

In 1936 Deadly Don decided to retire once he withdrew all the money from all the fake accounts he opened. First, however, he wanted no witnesses to the crimes. What he meant by that was he wanted all of the money from the accounts to himself.

Deadly Don Billingsly knew he had to kill the four remaining members of his gang. They were Nestle Barr, Charlie Horse, Cornell Flakes and Phil Datank. Don figured he would kill them all at once to save time.

His plot was simple. He would invite them to a barbeque and while they were relaxing as he cooked hot dogs, hamburgers, spare ribs, steaks and filet of fish, he would get a machine gun he hid behind a tree near the barbeque pit and mow them down with bullets.

Nestle almost ruined the plan when he said to Don as he was cooking, "Hey DD, there are five of us here and you only have one hot dog and two burgers on the grill. What happened to the spare ribs and filet of fish that was mentioned in the previous paragraph?"

Don smiled, turned and walked behind the tree, got his machine gun and fired at Nestle, pumping fifty bullets into his chest. Then he quickly turned to Charlie and pumped thirty bullets into his stomach. Then he did the math and realized he had to shoot at Cornell and Phil with the few rounds he had left so he aimed for their heads and shot. Luckily he was out of bullets just as the last pair fell over dead.

Deadly Don Billingsly disappeared after the massacre, that is, after he ate what he cooked on the grill, and over the next few weeks he visited all of the banks where the stolen money accounts were drawing interest and withdrew every dollar. He did, however, tip every teller.

"We searched and looked everywhere," said G-Man Rue B. Tuesday, "but did not get a clue as to where he went or how he got there or where he put all of that cash..."

"It would have been a great movie," said film director Dolly Cam, "but there was no ending and a movie without an ending is simply too long to make."

Some say Billingsly left the country. Some say he had plastic surgery and became a hospital attendant just to pass time. Others say he is living in a solid gold hut in Nigeria. Others say he went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Others say he died and the money was burned when he was cremated. Others do not care. The end.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.