Column Chronicles: My speech to Nerds United

My speech to Nerds United

Frank Cotolo
September 10, 2020

One of my many sideline jobs is public speaking. Recently, I was hired to give a speech to Nerds United, which met in Blueballs, Pennsylvania. I never knew nerds had united, no less convened on a special day but I was plenty prepared to inspire its members. Here is the text of the speech.

Good evening, Nerds. [APPLAUSE] I must admit that I had no idea Nerds would unite, no less form a special group, but now that I think of it, more so than any other group, Nerds need one another. [APPLAUSE]

It is true. Nerds get along better with Nerds than with Non-Nerds but it makes sense, since anyone who is not a Nerd is a Non-Nerd and that equals everyone in the world who is a Non-Nerd and that equals plenty of people, right? [APPLAUSE]

Some say the world is too divisive but I say it is about time we separate the Nerds from the Non-Nerds, so that the Nerds are recognized, mobilized, realized and not sensationalized. [APPLAUSE]

For to be a Nerd is to know and cherish minutia and lots of childish stuff that can only be shared in full with other Nerds. And we all know that Nerds present great purchasing power in the global markets. [APPLAUSE] And we know that Nerds create and expand deep thinking as well as they cherish crappy toys that waste precious time. Nerds are complete on both ends. [APPLAUSE]

I am proud to open this Nerds United convention because I am a Non-Nerd and only a Nerd would be compassionate enough to allow a Non-Nerd to have this position. Even though Nerds are not known for expressing themselves openly, as do Non-Nerds, Nerds have a soft, tender side that most Non-Nerds do not experience much or at all. It is their loss. [APPLAUSE]

In the next few days and early nights - because I know Nerds get to bed early and rise early - Nerds United offers the circumstances where Nerds who might never meet as many other Nerds as can be met in one lifetime can meet Nerds they might never have met. Well, that was put in a very Nerdy way, was it not? [LAUGHTER THEN APPLAUSE]

And let me remind all the members of Nerds United that when socializing you can wear any costume you feel most comfortable wearing. Meet other Nerds as Batman or Captain Kirk or Spiderman or Harley Quinn or Wonder Woman for you gals and even for you guys, because the nature of Nerds is not defined by sexuality. The nature of Nerds is, by its very nature, if I may invent a word - Nerdrogenous.

[LAUGHTER AND LOUD APPLAUSE]

Thank you and good day.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.