Column Chronicles: Adventures in alien abductions, part three

Adventures in alien abductions, part three

Frank Cotolo
October 1, 2020

The aliens that abducted me, Zop, Dex and Jerk, warned that if I were not examined before the spacecraft reached the Vex Galaxy System, all of our lives would be in danger.

"What do you mean by danger?" I said.

Dex said, "We mean it is possible we will no longer exist unless we all put our fingers way up into your anal cavity."

"That's what you think, you are the Dex of the three. What does the Jerk think?"

"What you know as death or non-existence, will occur for us all," said the Jerk.

Zop said, "No more questions. Bend the frick over, all right?"

"Listen to me," I said defiantly, "I will die before I let you examine me like that."

Dex said to the other two, "The examination won't count if he is dead when we do it."

"Right," I said though it was a lie but I was on to something.

"None of the others threatened us like that," said Zop. "This is not good at all."

The Jerk said, "We will be stellar screwed."

"So there," I said and I sat down.

"Don't sit down, stand up and bend over," said Zop.

"No, and if you touch me I will kill myself."

"You can just do that?" said Dex. "You can just die?"

"Yes," I lied. "I can put a finger right here on my chest and kill myself by just putting a finger on my chest."

Zop, Dex and Jerk began to shiver. They walked in circles around the room, mumbling words in a thousand different languages. I was amazed that aliens from outer space could be so stupid. I had given them a problem they never faced with the countless people they abducted in the past. Those people must have bent over to be examined without any resistance.

Having discovered that the aliens were lamebrains, I decided to take another bold step to take command of the situation and not get all of their fingers shoved up my anal cavity.

To be continued.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.