Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin, P.I.E.; City of Ants

Nick Cretin, P.I.E.: City of Ants

Frank Cotolo
January 28, 2021

It was one of those days, like a Wednesday, when people walked in the city like ants. They were everywhere, like ants and, like ants, most could lift ten times their own weights.

Nick Cretin, P.I.E. was wondering as he walked among the ant-people, who among them would hire him for his next investigation. Nick Cretin, P.I.E. (Private Investigator Extraordinaire) knew that all people in the city were distressed, repressed, obsessed and eventually came to Nick for help, but it was a long time since his last case. He needed money, dough, scratch, legal tender. For one, he was months behind in his office rent.

It was at the corner of Leaf and Blower when Nick found his next client. A man stopped him and said, "You got to help me, I can't live in this city. There's no space, nowhere to breathe. There's too many people. They're like..."

"Ants," Nick said.

"Yeah, and I'm tired of all the heavy lifting."

Nick looked deeply into his eyes and knew right away the man was a murderer. Nick's intuition was sturdy; he always trusted his intuition, mostly because it was always correct each time he trusted it.

"Get me out of here, out of this city where people walk around like, like..."

"Ants."

Nick felt bad for the man, so he took him into a nearby travel agency and bought him a one-way ticket to a small town in another state. Then, Nick dragged the man to the local train station.

"Take this ticket," Nick said, "get on this train and when it stops at the name of the small town on the ticket, get off and start a new life, one where there are not any..."

"Ants."

Nick smiled, put the man on the train and walked out of the train station. On the street, hundreds of thousands of people walked around like ants and Nick Cretin, P.I.E., was still in need of money.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.