Column Chronicles: Researchers learn more about prehistoric humans

Researchers learn more about prehistoric humans

Frank Cotolo
February 4, 2021

There is much written about prehistoric humans and yet nothing written by prehistoric humans. Thus, much of the texts come from speculation based on crap they left behind (if there's one thing we know about prehistoric humans it's that they were boorish, squalid and plain old sloppy).

Historians never give up, so each day we learn more about mankind's early lifestyle on Earth.

"Recently," said Antoine Amberson, historian, "we figured early tribes of people ate bone marrow from animals because it was nutritious. Then we tried some and our research team heaved all over the office. Now we think many prehistoric humans loathed the stuff."

Another theory about prehistoric humans was debunked when anthropologists discovered an umbilical cord that is 400,000 years old. It was attached to the skeleton of a child from the Paleolithic Age.

"This find," said Irving Castaway, historian, "means that early man did not cut immediately umbilical cords from the woman giving birth. We know this because the skeleton was that of a fourteen-year-old boy."

Another theory about the lifestyle of prehistoric humans is undergoing a study this year. Historians are questioning the lifespan of an average prehistoric human based on explorers' findings last year. In African caves, a team of anthropologists found the remnants of an object resembling a modern day Penis Glitter Bomb.

"This could mean," said Castaway, "that prehistoric humans made gag gifts for one another in ancient celebrations. It also tells us they had a sense of humor common to that of pop culture in the new millennium."

"Indeed," said Castaway's partner, El Dorado Dan Delamar, "prehistoric humans of both sexes apparently found the human penis hilarious, as well as a symbol for having a good time."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.