Column Chronicles: Speaking of stress - Frank Cotolo on 148.ca

Speaking of stress

Frank Cotolo
February 18, 2021

One of my many jobs is public speaking. Recently, I was hired to assist in a program for members of the Association of Stress Supervision (ASS), which met in Missouri at the Wingbang Convention Center, seating over three thousand members. I took the stage on behalf of the ASS administration to welcome everyone and promote the ASS agenda. Here is the text of the speech.

[APPLAUSE WHEN INTRODUCED]

Thank you, sincerely, thanks, but do not use so much energy by applauding. It is a stressful activity. It is true. Applauding may be stressful to some and I am here to give you some ideas on how to reduce stress, so please, save your applause a truly stressful event - like a Kid Rock concert or a political event.

By the way, recent studies proved that political events are among the most stressful gatherings, especially ones where Kid Rock speaks. What's with that guy, anyway? The hat, the unmemorable songs and his fake swagger are all signs of stress - as well as lack of talent.

But even when you are alone and not listening to a Kid Rock recording, stress may creep up on you and affect your health badly. Why? Because you may be your own and most harmful cause of stress. Yes, the worst stimuli for debilitating stress are caused by your thinking about things that are stressful.

So first things first and the first thing is to stop blaming others about your stress. You are the victim and the assaulter most of the time. You think about ugly things like death and your inability to support your family or how you are a failure and people call you loser right to your face and behind your back. These things upset you because you are insecure and society has weighed heavily on you; judging you about your morals and your insignificant role in society.

Not all of you, that is, just most. Like ninety-nine percent of you. That's why you are all here. You want to be set straight and relax. That's what ASS is for. ASS shows you a way to calm down and take it easy. Without ASS your stress level goes through the roof.

I am going to introduce you to the head of ASS, Delilah Dullbottom, and together we will show you great tricks to reduce stress and by the end of this program you will be an ASS addict, someone who functions with ASS to put years on your life. Here is Ms. Delilah Dullbottom.

[APPLAUSE]

Contact ASS for dates when the ASS program comes to your city.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.