Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin, P.I.E.: A Good-Old Country Police Chief

Nick Cretin, P.I.E.: A Good-Old Country Police Chief

Frank Cotolo
March 4, 2021

Nick Cretin, P.I.E. (Private Eye Extraordinaire) did not work well with the local police force in the city, so he moved to the country, were police forces were smaller and police chiefs carefully listened to witnesses of a crime and asked for advice from the local community.

Nick met a good old country police chief known only as Bradamore. Nick liked the guy immediately but it took Bradamore longer to like him. Nick waited. To make Bradamore feel comfortable, Nick bought himself some country clothing and that did the trick; they became good friends.

"There ain't much crime in these parts," Bradamore said, "but when a crime happens I'd sure as tootin' like your opinion about solving it."

Nick said, "Darn right."

After a few months, though, there still was no crime and Nick told Bradamore that it was getting "dull as a hairy warthog on smack."

Bradamore apologized and said, "But weez good friends and what more's a guy gots to have?"

"Well," said Nick, "a guys whose a Private Eye Extraordinaire needs some crimes to investigate. Maybe you're too good a police chief and criminals are scared to criminalize."

Late one night, some criminals from the nearest city came to the country with lots of crimes on his mind. Nick thought he recognized the guy and kept an eye on him. Then, a few days after the city criminal arrived, Nick approached him.

"Are you Sam The Salve?" Nick said.

"Who wants to know?"

"Name's Bradamore. That’s him over there."

Nick pointed to Bradamore and the guy Nick thought was Sam The Salve began to shiver and said, "Holy curse word, that's the police chief? I'm not messing with him, I'm leaving town, bye."

Nick walked up to Bradamore and said, "I was right."

"About what?" said Bradamore.

"You're too good a police chief and criminals are scared to criminalize around here."

"We still friends?"

"Yeah," Nick said, "but I'm putting my city clothes back on and leaving here. This ain't no place for a Private Eye Extraordinaire."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.