Column Chronicles: Mummy dummy - Frank Cotolo on 148.ca

Mummy dummy

Frank Cotolo
March 11, 2021

The new technology continues to find projects that could never have happened in the era of telephone modems. The latest is a gas.

Researchers claim to have "mimicked the voice of a 3000-year-old Egyptian from his remains, which are, of course, mummified".

The voice was recreated using digital (the only kind available these days) medical scanning machines (available at Amazon, according to one source, at a discount price). Also used were 3D printers (no need for special glasses using these, by the way) and what the researchers label as a "electronic artificial larynx."

According to fourth party sources, Mickey Toast, a professional ventriloquist, paid for the expensive procedures. Mickey would not publicly comment about it but his current and longtime dummy partner, Quarky, had much to say.

"I'm leaving the act," said Quarky, most likely through Toast. "Mickey needs new blood, a new angle, something he could get his teeth into. And by teeth I mean right arm and hand. I'm old wood and my voice is cliche."

Using the odd voice of a mummy is definitely a fresh gimmick.

"All that's got to be done," said Quarky, "is translation, because the researchers got only ancient Egyptian language out of the bunch of bandages. That means a translator and another big bill. But that ain't my problem, I'm retiring. Soon it'll be splinters for me, you know? That's okay, this is the way show biz goes."

Toast's agent, Warren Sidoski, said, "It's a rumor because Mickey ain't got the kind of money it takes to buy one three-Dee printer, no less an artificial laireenx [sic]. Yeah he's getting rid of Quarky but he ain't been officially replaced yet."

"One last thing," Quarky said. "What do you call the offspring of a penguin and a motor bike?"

"What?"

"Ain't gonna happen."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.