Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin, P.I.E.: The envelope mystery

Nick Cretin, P.I.E.: The envelope mystery

Frank Cotolo
April 15, 2021

Nick Cretin, P.I.E. (Private Investigator Extraordinaire) was baffled. Someone came to his city office and slid an envelope stuffed with a wad of cash under his door. He counted the money. There were fifteen hundred-dollar bills and a note that read: "Find the murderer and these are yours to keep."

Nick wondered if in that message it was implied that the money must be returned if he did not find the murderer. To whom it would be returned was another mystery. Nick knew if he gave the money to Stiffy the postman, Stiffy would put it in the Dead Letter File, even though it was not a letter (the post office did not have a Dead Loose Cash File). Then what?

Finding the murderer so Nick could keep the money, though, seemed tough. Hundreds of people must have been murdered before the envelope was delivered. Sure, not all of them had identified killers but still, it was a crapshoot to guess which dead body was the right dead body, and the morgue did not allow shooting crap on the premises.

Nick called Ignatius Slamboy, a kid who helped him on cases now and then for a few bucks and a free pass to a strip club.

"You hear of anyone we know who got murdered recently," Nick said.

"I don't know everyone you know, so how would I know?" said Ignatius.

Nick hanged the phone up so hard it almost turned into a broken phone. Then there was a knock on his office door. He opened it to face a woman so beautiful that Nick's left eyebrow fell off. He picked it up and asked the woman to come into the office.

"I'd offer you a cigarette but there's no smoking in my office. I could break the rule if you want to smoke but then the office will stink," he said.

"You're everything they told me about you. My name is Mabel and I want my money back."

"The money in the envelope?"

"What's wrong with money in an envelope? If I put it in a plastic bag everyone would know it was money. Envelopes hide their contents."

"You're going back on your offer to let me keep the money if I find the murderer?"

"Yes. I decided not to kill my husband, so there is no murderer."

"You drive a hard bargain, Marvel."

"Mabel."

"It's still a hard bargain but okay, here’s the evelope."

"Is it all there?"

"It's an envelope, that’s all there is to it.

Mable took the envelope, put it in her pocketbook and walked quietly out of the office. Nick sat down and put his feet up on his desk.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.