Column Chronicles: You pet your life - Frank Cotolo on 148.ca

You pet your life

Frank Cotolo
April 22, 2021

A multi-country study has dog owners barking with glee.

From researchers in the United States, Canada, Scandinavia, New Zealand, Australia and the United Kingdom comes a statement that owning a dog should increase your life.

Specifically, the study results indicate that a dog's presence in your life lowers your risk of dying early by 24 percent.

The health benefits were calculated with the help of four million people in the six countries.

It is truly great news, but remember that a dog has always been known as "Man's Best Friend," after being developed as a friendly breed through the history of mankind. Studies about lifespan of people who own other kinds of animals are not so positive.

Zeke Runderpump's study, for instance, showed that turtle owners were 78 percent more likely to be injured in accidents by walking too slowly to dodge traffic.

"It's astounding," said Zeke, who himself owns odd house pets, "but not strange that animal owners tend to pick up traits from their pets."

Zeke’s study results calculated other unsettling percentages per pet.

Owners of boa constrictors (usually six to nine feet in length) are given a 96 percent chance of dying young by trying to consume and swallow animals larger than themselves.

If you own a goat, your chances of living to an old age are 66.7 percent per goat unless you do not start a diet of tin cans.

Young gila monster owners are now in greater jeopardy than ever. The reptile's venom is poisonous and owners know it but all too often try to play fetch and are bitten when struggling with the object of the fetch. This puts owners at a 100 percent chance of dying during the first game of fetch.

"People love animals so much," Zeke said, "that they feel there is a natural connection between them and humans and that is enough for them to make domestic pets out of them. The study about dogs has only encourages people to live with animals that should not be domestic pets. I ought to know this because I had a chimpanzee I called Sparky and he ate my wife's face."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.