Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin, P.I.E.: The vests of secrets

Nick Cretin, P.I.E.: The vests of secrets

Frank Cotolo
July 1, 2021

Nick Cretin, P.I.E. (Private Investigator Extraordinaire) kept his private life close to his vest. He owned many vests, some plaid, some the colour of his skin the time he went jaundice and others of various colours (as I said, many vests). Still, there were people who knew about Nick's private life; they just could not prove what they knew.

Adolph Von Von, a criminal who hacked one of Nick's vests, learned things about Nick's private life, and tried to use what he learned for blackmail. It did not work when he approached Nick about it.

"I know all about you now, Nick," said Adolph.

"So what?" Nick said.

"So I want a million, zillion dollars to be quiet about the secrets of your private life that I know."

"Thank you for not wanting less, Adolph Von Von. I would have been insulted."

Adolph nodded and clicked his heels like a Nazi captain. Then he said, "Mien Cretin, you are welcome, but the complement does change the amount."

Nick lighted a cigarette, inhaled deeply, held the carcinogenic smoke in his lungs for many beats before blowing out what was not consumed by his lungs. As Adolph watched, Nick dropped the cigarette on the floor, stomped on it and then turned to walk across his office to stand before his wall safe.

"In here, Adolph Von Von, I have exactly a million, zillion dollars."

"Wait," Adolph said, "in that little safe you have a million, zillion dollars?"

"Yes. I do not trust banks."

"Wait a moment, Mien Cretin. These secrets must be more important to you than I thought. Why should I short myself, then? I now want two million, zillion dollars or I will reveal your secret life and you will spared the embarrassment, shame and ruin."

"But Adolph Von Von, I have another wall safe. It's under that Amedeo Modgliani painting on the far wall. In it is another million, zillion dollars."

"Now I know you lie. No one has two wall safes, each with one million, zillion dollars."

"Dare you find out? If you don't believe me, go reveal the secrets you hacked that I kept so close to my vests."

Adolph thought and sweated a lot as he thought because he knew that if he revealed the secrets he would not get two million, zillion dollars if Cretin was not bluffing and if he was bluffing then Adolph knew he was correct in thinking that no one has two wall safes, each with one million, zillion dollars. Cretin stood defiantly. Time did not stand still, it was moving, second by second and the seconds added up to a few minutes.

"Tell you what, Mien Cretin. How about we go out, have lunch and I will think about my next move."

Nick Cretin nodded. He had Adolph right where he wanted him. Not only would Adolph decide to call off the blackmail - he would get the check for lunch.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.