Column Chronicles: Robust restaurant reviews, part one

Robust restaurant reviews, part one

Frank Cotolo
July 29, 2021

Over the years I was a journalist I wrote a column on a popular topic - reviewing new restaurants. Unfortunately I was fired when sixteen consecutive eateries closed after my reviews. What follows are samples of some reviews (locations have been omitted).

RIBBON'S RESTAURANT
Dinner here is by candlelight. Normally, such lighting is a romantic atmosphere, but it does not work so well when served by waiters dressed like hillbillies. If it were just the costume it might work but these guys also talk and act like hillbillies. The food might taste good but for the strands of hay buried in side dishes.

KISHO BATA BOOMBA
Macaroni and cheese soup is a specialty in this restaurant named after a strange dance the owners witnessed somewhere in the Caribbean. The cook is from an island in the Pacific, where he learned to charbroil lobsters that are served with a sauce that tastes great if you do not look at it going into your mouth (it resembles the color of rust). The prices are expensive compared to buying dungeon tools.

TICKET TO FEASTLAND
This place offers something better than the all-you-can-eat gimmick. For one small price, customers eat all they want to for dinner and then take out as much as they eat that night. All eat-in meals are weighed. Also, customers get tickets that record the weight of their in-and-take-out meals and when the ticket reaches 345 pounds they get a free visit (as long as they bring their own carry out bags).

QUICHE NOT
Such pastries as I have never tasted anywhere from the best bakeries in France are available, fresh (expensive) and stale (very cheap), daily. As the name of the restaurant indicates, they do not sell any quiche. In fact, if anyone, by mistake of course, asks for quiche, they are given a sort of rain check. It's a fancy card inside of an envelope that reads: Never Ever Ask For Quiche In This Restaurant.

UN LOC UNDE SA MANANCI PENTRU TINE
Delicious, homestyle Romanian food is the offering in this restaurant. The name of the place, in English, is A Place To Eat For You, and it is that, all right. Members of any race, religion and creed are invited to graze on some of the fabulous Jumari, Cozonac, Mici, Sarmale and Grilled Cheese with M & M candy sandwiches. There are long waits, so get there early and be prepared to stay a long time until served.

LOLLY WALLY'S WING BAT HOUSE
Lots of people think this place cooks rodents but it does not cook rodents, nor does it cook the bat wings mentioned in the name of the place. Lolly Lipendaur and Wally Steckmort cook whatever anyone asks to have for dinner. You read correctly. There is no menu. People simply ask waiters to bring them what they feel like eating. Lolly and Wally cook it. All dinners are served on a bed of lettuce with burnt toast borders.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.