Column Chronicles: Historic wisdom from Guru Wannastopnow

Historic wisdom from Guru Wannastopnow

Frank Cotolo
October 7, 2021

He is said to be 115 years old, though he still runs in the Mumbai Marathon. He has taught princes the path to being kings and saved princesses from whoredom [sic]. He is the Cherished Magnificent Guru Wannastopnow, Man of Prayer, Master of Spirit and Acquitted Card Shark. Here are some of his recent public statements (sans the accent).

I was born in a cloud, held firmly in the air by the hands of a great force, which said its name was Cornhusk. This I remember as a great moment.

I believed those who judged with the naked eye, but later in life I realized the futility of the instant replay.

So comes the moon when the sun sets. So goes the sky when the wings are compromised by the wind. Then we must bow to the almighty power of Unguentine.

Do not write down how you feel at any time, because feelings will change, joy to dismay, full to empty, wild to mild and there will be rust involved.

We pile the despair beside our path to freedom, but rarely do we shed the skin that stinks the apocrine glands.

How often as a child I looked to others, praising their height.

When I traveled east I missed the west but when I traveled west I craved for the north, yet my visits south always ended with creamy belches.

What might we say about violence? Only that it will always hurt someone.

My mother knew I was blessed the moment I was born. She told the village guru that his days were numbered, because I would be the next sage. But the village guru demanded to know the number of his numbered days, saying it could only be fair to know how long he would be the main guru. My mother did not tell him the number of his numbered days. Instead she drew her mouth close to his ear and said, sell short.

If you drop all of your botherations at my feet and imagine how I feel.

She who shares my soul is not less than her guru, she is equal, though often she brags I am smoking hot.

As a guru I have made as many mistakes as the butcher, the dentist, the taxidermist, the plumber, the teacher, the shoemaker, the nurse, the maid, the female dentist, the female plumber, the female taxidermist, the female teacher, the male maid, the male nurse, the bartender, the haberdasher, the midnight rambler, the lady of the evening, the man of the morning, the bride, her husband, the in-law and the outlaw. (pause) Where was I.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.