Column Chronicles: Francodamus sees into the future

Francodamus sees into the future

Frank Cotolo
October 21, 2021

There are some times when a strange and glorious feeling goes through me and I am given to see clearly into the faraway future and can spurt predictions that affect all creatures in the universe. People document what I say when these spells come over me, which is why some call me Francodamus. Here are some recent predictions.

After all automobiles can drive on their own, they will become so very acquainted with what makes them go they will be able to build other automobiles. This will be pleasing to automobile manufacturers; they will fire all humans who work on assembling autos. But then the auto workers union will protest violently, picketing and disrupting production at auto plants. But then the super-smart automobiles that can build autos will discover they are even smarter-smart enough, in fact, to build a robot-on-wheels police force that can fight the union humans disrupting the self-made automobiles and a series of deadly conflicts will be launched and it will injure, maim and even kill many humans and then, and then, oh my gawd, it's all too horrible to see, wake me up, please!

Many years from now, children born after 2078 will begin to show interest in something their predecessors gave up - reading. This will spawn a new era for printed matter but the need for writers who could produce things to read will find it difficult to keep up with the generation craving to read, and the writers, all new to writing, will become sloppy. In 2082, for instance, the most popular book for readers will be titled PAN ICK IN DA SHTREATS. Spelling of the English language will change, pronunciations of the language will change and once the trend begins in other languages people will fight over which language is best and the countries with different languages will go to war and there will be killing and plundering and then, oh my gawd, it's all too horrible to see, wake me up, please!

On March 2464 it will rain ski boots.

The names of Presidents of the United States from 2102 on will be Plump Fortitude, Esta Mirror, Lyle Stanford Wittlevest, Wally Whip, Zlatica Portwine, Ardala Likka Mundestafario, Zippy Cone, Egbert Loss, Halsted Van ballegooijen, Pulse Penzavalli, Dickens Gordy, Edward Goose Muto, Peter Manufacturer, Eleanor May Heyman, Samual Strepthroat, Alabama Kinthaert and Lou Jones.

I see a world in the future where oceans only cover one tenth of the planet; traffic lights are made of styrofoam; there is no use for kittens; rope can tie itself in knots; people only wear pants with different colored legs; bald men only marry bald women; scarves are lethal; no home is complete without a guitar and one hundred pair of tube socks; children walk immediately when born; nations refuse immigrant cooks; animals only breed when no one is looking and, and, oh my gawd, it's all too horrible to see, wake me up, please!

Males will not mature until very late in their lives and never become as smart as women and... wait, that's now.

People in the distant future will learn the history of mankind and the more they learn, the more they will all have the same impression - that nothing has truly changed.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.