Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin P.I.E.: X-Ray eyes nights

Nick Cretin P.I.E.: X-Ray eyes nights

Frank Cotolo
March 10, 2022

Not all nights are dark. There are evenings that are like film negatives, if you can remember those things, where the dark is light and the light is dark. Some nights are like that, even though they are nights. It was a matter of accepting that at times Nick Cretin, P.E.I. (Private Eye Extraordinaire) believed he had X-Ray eyes, because an X-Ray, like film negatives, shows dark and light and light as dark.

On a certain X-Ray-film-negative night, Nick Cretin, P.I.E. was going to see his friend Gus in the hospital. Gus was waiting for a special blood test result that would tell whether or not he had lung cancer.

"Nick," Gus said, "you know what you told me about certain nights when you have X-Ray eyes? Well I was wondering if this was one of those nights."

"Good guess Gus, and that's not easy to say."

"What's not easy to say?"

"Good guess, Gus."

"I was wondering since it is an X-Ray-eyes night, could you look at my bare chest and see if I have lung cancer?"

"How would I do that?"

"You have X-Ray eyes. You could see if my lungs are filled with cancer. You could take me outdoors where everything dark is light and light is dark and see inside me."

Nick sat back and explained to Gus that having X-Ray eyes did not mean he could see through things, it merely meant what's dark is light and what's light is dark. Gus argued, saying those conditions are not X-Ray conditions and Nick said that exact definitions did not matter in this case, that he could call them X-Ray eyes anyway. Gus, who was extremely upset about Nick taking that liberty with the phrase, told Nick to go home because he had no use for a friend who said he had X-Ray eyes but just called them X-Ray eyes when they only could see what's dark is light and what's light is dark.

Nick said he was sorry and left the hospital. He walked home, seeing what was dark as light and what was light as dark.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.