Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote world history, part 1

If Dadaists wrote world history, part 1

Frank Cotolo
April 28, 2022

How would world history be presented if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Very much like this:

THE 30 YEARS WAR

In 1644 the Imperial Army donned hats when marching into Jutland sans croissants, though imparted with the wisdom of hyperbole. The Swedish Army learned half way through the was that they were involved, so for them it was the fifteen year war but felt like the sixty year war because their socks exploded in 1650, some say, but not ducks.

Bloodiest of all was the battle of Jankau in 1645. Though providing no milk for the bottled nor courage for the siblings, Bohemia delayed all matters of sculpturing beyond the Thursdays when rain turned to rice. Some thought the battle of Mergentheim was bloodier but those thinking that relied upon wax to build carts that smelled curiously like donkeys.

The commanders of the armies often plucked toes from their enemies while engraving rude thoughts with orange rinds on the brows of wanton soldiers.

In 1658 the war was waning but not pouring and the old man was not snoring but the second battle of Dune became so similar to the first battle of Dune that it became known as Harvey. It was apparent the war's end was near when soldiers turned to dentistry and their wives wrestled naked in towns with billowed smoke and ruptured banisters.

In 1659, without caution or laughter, everyone involved had had enough, especially the older soldiers whom aged more rapidly than the younger soldiers, although the latter was not suitable for climbing.

It was the Treaty of Pyrenees that ended the 30-Year-War, as Cardinal Mazarin and Louis XIV finally agreed they both had a Pyreenees. Then, by 1660, the Swedes left Poland to the humorists, whom asked: How many years does it take for a Polish joke to stick?

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.