Column Chronicles: Nick Cretin P.I.E.: The date's mystery destination

Nick Cretin P.I.E.: The date's mystery destination

Frank Cotolo
May 12, 2022

A private investigator extraordinaire (PIE) has many girlfriends. Though a woman could be a PIE if she so decides, then, a female PIE might have many boyfriends (or girlfriends if she is to have that preference). Then, of course, a male PIE could also have many boyfriends (if he is to have that preference).

So it is that Nick Cretin PIE has a preference for women, and especially females whose name is tagged PIE. Nick knows many females with the tag and one of them is his date as he steps lively to her doorstep. He rings the front door bell while adjusting the new bowtie he bought for this occasion.

The door opens and there stands the stunning Beatrice Grisly PIE. Nick tells her she looks stunning and she agrees as she comes out of the house and asks where the date will take place. Nick says she should know, being a PIE, because he left her many clues.

Beatrice takes Nick's hand and begins to walk east. Nick has no reason to resist the held hand or the direction, so he avers. Beatrice asks Nick if the clues he left her include a text about German food. Nick nods affirmatively. They continue to walk east. Beatrice then asks if a clue could be the new bowtie Nick wears. He says no. Beatrice asks if any clues were apparent at the moment, since she had not heard from him other than the text about German food. Nick says yes.

The evening is becoming chilly as the duo walk across Avenue Banal, changing directions to northeast. Beatrice chuckles. Nick asks what is so amusing. Beatrice begins to hum an Amish folk song that Nick instantly recognizes. Beatrice says she knows where they are going. Nick smiles and tells her she is one heck of a PIE and he is glad her sexual preference is men because he considers himself a stellar example of that gender.

Beatrice stops them both from walking, turns to Nick and plants on his lips a long and sloppy kiss. She tells him that there is more of that for him but it has to wait until after the dinner at the Jonas Stolzfus residence. Nick says good and pats Beatrice on the back for her accurate detective work, using clues to expose the evening's date, a dinner at the Jonas Stolzfus residence.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.