Column Chronicles: The expansion of the universe is increasing quickly

The expansion of the universe is increasing quickly

Frank Cotolo
May 19, 2022

Astrophysicists recently gathered in Iceland to discuss a theory considered an enigma, once dubbed a dilemma, and then a trilemma, about the speed of the universe's expansion.

Olio Nubian, winner of the Pillar Physic's Award in 2019, was one astrophysicist in attendance. He said, "This discovery makes it certain that the universe is now expanding at a near alarming rate. Me? I'm scared right now."

"Olio's fear is questionable," said astrophysicist Witney Bote, also in attendance, "but then again so is his penchant for cumquat soup. A dangerous speed for the universe to expand is eons away, maybe as long as it would have taken for Earnest Rides Again to have won an Oscar."

Turges Mastauger, another astrophysicist, said he is worried about the new speed's affects on galaxies beyond us. "They will be soaring away as our universe expands faster to avoid collision, which would be worse for a galaxy then finding a new place to locate, even considering the endless space available out there."

Mastauger, Bote and Nubian agree on one thing: no one knows why there is acceleration at all.

“What's the hurry?" said Bote.

"Copernicus calculated," said Nubian, "that Earth moved around the sun, therefore the stars seen from Earth, looked to be in different places as any given time passed."

Mastauger said, "This means Copernicus thought while sober, else he would have thought drinking clouded his calculation, and that is why we believe our gauge of the speed of expansion the universe is now taking will increase, because all we had to drink was on little shot glass of brandy earlier today."

The trio admits it expected the universe to stay the size it has been for centuries more. "But that was with the data we had at the old speed value and before each of us had a second successful colonoscopy."

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.