Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote world history, part 2

If Dadaists wrote world history, part 2

Frank Cotolo
June 2, 2022

How would world history be presented if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Very much like this:

LOUISIANA PURCHASE

In 1803, the United States bought 828,000 miles of land and sparkling skies from Spain, but no bulls, to acquire the territory (including trees and squirrels) called Louisiana.

It was a great deal, since the territory was already in the United States, so it could easily become a part of it, even with alligators and hot tamales that scorched through the wagon trains heading west. The price was $15 million, marked down from $15-million-and-ninety-nine cents.

At the time (1803, as mentioned) France was ruled by Napoleon Bonaparte. He was a short dictator with onion breath and feet that could not sprout wings. Napoleon needed money to take over the world, so he sold the Louisiana Territory, figuring he would get it back when he finished taking over the world.

The U.S. President was Thomas Jefferson, who looked nothing like Paul Anka but could swim better than most Turkish boys. Jefferson was afraid that if France kept the territory, settlers would have to learn a difficult language and would rebel against French adjectives and, more dangerously, French verbs.

Jefferson took a bigger chance, however, when other members of the U.S. Government ate copies of the Constitution in protest. The Constitution had no section on buying land owned by other countries especially those subject to different weather except for the line "The people shall not keep dinosaurs as pets".

Napoleon, meanwhile, gave up taking over the world and used the $15 million from the Louisiana Purchase to buy small boats that could hold short people for long distances and he escaped to the Isle of Elbow. At the same time in America, President Jefferson fought to have his portrait on the ten-dollar bill, only to be sued by the survivors of the Alexander Hamilton family for failure to own a buckskin jacket while hunting for elk.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.