Column Chronicles: If Dadaists wrote world history, part 3

If Dadaists wrote world history, part 3

Frank Cotolo
July 14, 2022

How would world history be presented if written by the art and literature movement based on deliberate irrationality and the negation of traditional artistic values? Very much like this:

THE CRUSADES

The Crusades would go on for ages but they had to start somewhere and somehow with some people crusading for something.

The true beginning of The Crusades started with a firm disagreement between the Roman Catholic Church (RCC) and the Eastern Orthodx Church (EOC). The RCC wanted the EOC to pray like them but the EOC said no f***ing way (NFW) and anointed a Pope of their own, causing a schism-split-separation-secession (SSSS). This meant war, the kind that goes ages (with bad diets) and becomes crusade-campaign-crossover (CCC).

The RCC called its soldiers the milites Christi and the milites Christi translated that to mean soldiers of Christ to be pompous and just in case the English language was developed. The other side of the SSSS, the EOC, was angry, with frowns of browns, so they called their soldiers Big F****in Soldiers (BFS) and the BFS attacked the SSSS.

The two Popes were Pope Gregory VII (RCC) and Pope LEO IX. Each one was the boss of their religion (RCC and EOC) with full admonition as their ammunition. They poisoned each other's language and Greek lost 15 letters in a bloody battle, while Latin sacrificed a Domino Vobisum for the sake of spelling blood in the battlefield of Byzantium.

The Crusades invaded strange names like Seluk, Comnenus, Anatolia, and Norman, that being the strangest of the 1070s, followed by the 1080s, '90s and then finally in 1096, SSSS and BFS clashed their Piacenzas in the field of Emicho, where Gregory and Leo met to exchange fisticuffs in robes and pointed hats blessed by Turks with quirks and the desire to conquer their prayers.

There were other deep-rooted causes that caused the ages of The Crusades to move into the 11th century, including time and a titmouse on Germany soil. On and on it went until 1492, when Columbus and his crew spread vomit on the shores of the Obamas side of the Bahamas, thinking it was the home of the brave and the land of the free.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.