Column Chronicles: Riff Shattersmith finds peril in the safest countries of the world; episode 2

Riff Shattersmith finds peril in the safest countries of the world; episode 2

Frank Cotolo
July 28, 2022

Yes, you read correctly, the headline more than implies that in cities claimed to be the safest on Earth, I, Riff Shattersmith, have bumped into adventures unexpected. These are testimonies to such events.

Austria is noted for being a peaceful, loving part of the world. Yet I, Riff Shattersmith, was there not longer than an hour when I was approached by a man with a gun in his trench coat. I asked him what he was doing and he said what the hell do you think I am doing? It was a stalemate that I did not expect to turn into peril of the worse kind (that being the kind putting one's life at risk).

He told me he could easily shoot me through the head or the stomach or the chest (and he mentioned many other areas) if I did not hand him my watch and the remote that opens my garage. I told him I did not live in Austria, so the remote was in my American house, in my American car that was in my American garage. He was silent.

I counted to 432 while he stood silently, pointing the gun under his trench coat at me. Then I said, "Listen, this is a country that boasts having a lower homicide rate than most other countries, so why not stop thinking about shooting me and becoming a part of those statistics for the good of all people, everywhere?"

He told me that his boss, a very bad man, would kill him if he came back to the gang's headquarters with no prize or proof of murder. I said, "What kind of a gang is that?" He said he did not know about gang types but he knew about getting killed, that it was bad, maybe the most terrible thing that could happen to a live person.

I said to the man, "True, but killing an American in Austria will be worse." Worse? That's what he said. He could not understand, so I told him if he put the gun away I would explain it. He was so interested in how killing an American in Austria will be worse than getting killed that he put the gun away.

"Now listen closely," I said, and then I punched him square on in the nose and kicked him firmly in the groin and reached into his trench coat to take his gun. When I got the gun it turned out to be a water gun, a kid's toy. He lay there bleeding and I was so mad that I did not care about the low death rate in Austria. All I cared about was leaving the guy on the ground, bleeding and writhing in pain. Of course I was angry to have another safe country prove to be a dangerous place, so I left Austria.

Frank Cotolo can be found hosting the talk and interview programme Cotolo Chronicles. You can send him an e-mail at this address: frank@148.ca.